((A/N: A series of letters to bid this story farewell and end the blog. Thank you to all for this amazing journey!))
Dear Pri,
I’m so sorry.
I don’t know what to say to you. I am sorry for leaving you in so much pain. I know how hard it is to lose the one that was part of your soul, because I have too. At least I get to wait for you here, where time stands still. You still have a life to live, and that is all I would want for you. I can’t say you will be okay without you. I’m not so sure I am okay without you. But this is a weird place. The gray ships have taken me to a place where I rarely, if ever, feel un-okay.
Thank you for taking care of my brothers. They need someone to be there for them that has big brother experience. Your presence means the world to them, and I hope you will continue to protect them. And while you’re at it, I will be here, protecting you from a place where you can’t see me yet. Hopefully you will know that I’m there, though. Eventually.
I am so honored and proud to be your guardian, and I will continue to do what I can for you while we are apart. Hopefully, you live a long time down on Earth. Time doesn’t exist here, so I promise I don’t mind the wait.
I have already met so many people that have played a role in the lives of myself and my friends. I am so happy to be here, and that I was able to thank them. None of them will ever replace you, though, Priapus. I will wait here however long it takes for you to live a long, fulfilling life without me.
Please don’t feel bad about going back into the world of dating someday. I understand. I just want to watch you succeed and be fulfilled. If that is with someone else… I will learn to accept that. I promise. Please, don’t worry about me. I will guard you no matter what happens down there. I am never going to leave your side. I will feel just fine no matter what happens.
I feel you.
For me, right now, that is enough.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Wolf,
I met your friend Tuck today. He was practically waiting for me, I could see it on his face. He’s taking good care of you down there, Stellan. He loves seeing the man you have become. Every time you do anything, he confirms how much of a genius you are, and somehow it always brings that exact same thought to your head.
I never knew how much you were doing. I never knew about saving tributes or any of that. It’s amazing, Stellan. I am still in awe of everything you are doing. And in disbelief that I had no idea. Now that I can see the big picture, I am proud to have been a part of your cause. It is something worth dying for. I am glad that it was me, so you can continue your good work.
I met my guardian angel, Job. She has been watching over me for years and is the best in the business. Now that I no longer require her services, I decided to recommend someone that was very close to those who were left behind.
He is now telling people to exercise often. Which is kind of hard when you’re light as a feather, but he’s picked up on your beloved Ekaterina’s infectious energy.
Please hold her tightly. You will wish that you had held her more often when your time comes. Hopefully, that will be many, many years from now.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Camellia,
I had the great pleasure of spending time with Syca lately. He’s doing great, actually. He is always smiling and reminiscing about the time you shared together. He is so proud of you. He can barely stop talking about how proud he is of you.
He is in good hands up here. Bec has been keeping an eye on him now, and Tuck is always trying to learn more about you from him. The time goes by easily now that you are doing better each day. We are all doing okay up here, when are we not? But the energy is becoming much more peaceful as you are all learning how to assimilate to your new lives.
I asked Syca if he was surprised or disappointed that Malloy wasn’t going to join him. He said that he could wait for Todd if there was even a morsel of hope that he would find his way back to you and Jo. He really looked up to Todd, although I’m sure you already knew that.
I know that you and Jace find the irony painful, that you are down there and Elliot is up here with us. But he doesn’t see it that way at all. Now, we are able to laugh about it. He is watching over you all, and anxious to bless you with his musical ability. But especially the guitar player.
I hope I can be of assistance to Montessori now as well. I’m not sure how that all works, but I want to support you all from the afterlife if I can. Please, keep working hard on it. You have eyes on you that you don’t even realize.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Calliope,
I don’t feel the need to apologize to you. I can feel that you already know what I would say if I could. I can feel that you know that I am content with being the martyr for Wolf’s cause. I can feel that you are hungering for justice. Don’t let it dull.
That said, I realize that today is a particularly challenging day for you. I’m sorry that saying goodbye is so hard for you all. My heart bleeds differently now, but my sorrow is with you.
Thank you for taking care of Pri and Thack for me. I know how hard this must be for them. I am so sorry to them, to all of you. But I am content, as I said. I hope that this will fuel your fire for justice. After meeting so many lovely people here, that is all that I want for your world.
You are so strong. I am so proud of you Calliope, you are growing so much and I can feel it. I took a walk with Heimdall the other day. We went for who knows how long… Hours, days, they all meld together here because they don’t matter. You would be pleased at how well we got on: though I’m sure you knew that already. He is guarding you steadfastly, and I know that you are in good hands.
He felt like family right away.
I hope that you and Thack continue to grow together and support each other. I have a feeling that you will soon rely on each other. If you aren’t already.
I will continue to try and protect you here. We may have only known each other for six months, but I am happy to have gained a sister in you.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Upward Voyager,
You people are all far too nice to me. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I am suddenly put up on a pedestal. You all know how happy I was to just be your friend. Reliving all of those beautiful memories with you all was a pleasure for me. I know how hard it was for each one of you, and I will miss you so much. I will miss this group.
To think, I was so sure I was going to be a mutt scientist. I didn’t want to play in some band on the side. I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe I knew I would love it too much.
Scorp and Thor were cuddling. That’s how you know it was bad. I am so sorry that the group will not continue on. I wanted to continue to perform concerts with you for the rest of my life… I never wanted it to end this way. I am so thankful for everything this group meant to me, from the very beginning until the very end. I love you all, and you are oh so important to me. I will continue to watch each of you in your separate paths.
While you all reminisced on earth about our times together, I also shared some fond memories with my friends. Syca and Elliot both loved this group so much, and it was so hard for all of us to see it go.
We did it, fellas.
We made it big. We changed lives along the way. We did everything we always dreamed of doing, and even more. And it’s all thanks to your immense talent, and your soft, gentle hearts. Steadfast friendship. I am so happy that I got to share it with each and every one of you.
I wish it never had to end, especially not like this. But at least we went out with a bang, right?
...Too soon, I know.
But, we had a chance that many would only wish for. We chased our dreams, and we caught them. You made those years the happiest of my life. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the entire world. For all the times I said I needed better friends, I never meant it. I had the best friends a guy could ask for. I wish I hadn’t taken our time together for granted.
Who would have thought that five weirdos with a dream would do what we did? Certainly not me. And even in my absence, there are little brothers that dance in their bedroom with their older sisters, pretending to rock out on stage. There are young wannabes that know every piece of trivia imaginable and practice every day to follow the footsteps of this group of fucking goofballs. There are super fans that camp out in the wings, and try to sneak backstage for just a glimpse of Thorlief Nazario’s beautiful, glistening six pack.
Oh, I can’t wait until you all get here. In this place, laughter sounds like music. I can’t wait until you are all here so that we can make music once more.
I mean, I can completely wait. I have to watch you all get old and gray and sit on adjacent rockers in the nursing home before you get back here. Just like we all said, right? Leave one open for me, if you think about it.
There is so much that I was robbed of being a part of for you all. But I know that I will be there in spirit. Cheesy, yeah, but true. I have a feeling there will be many weddings with one empty chair.
But I’m okay. Things are getting better each day. Until we are together again, I will continue to be steadfast in waiting for the family. While you are all there, I am making a family of my own up here. And they will be waiting to welcome you just as I will be.
Thank you for such a beautiful closing of our time together. For that, I will never be able to repay you. I needed to hear you all tell me that you loved me, one final time.
I love you all and thank you for continuing to take care of the people I love in my absence.
I can’t make myself sign this letter.
It is just too hard.
With All of my Love,
Your dude, your yes-man, your brother,
Philander
...
Dear Jace,
Pierre Rosseau.
I understand your hesitation. But if you could only see us through a porthole like we can see you, you would see how Bec was beaming with pride, and Elliot was agape with surprise at such an honor.
“That’s my brother.”
That was what he said when Trap coerced you into the name. He was honored, and proud. He loves you so much despite how little time you spent together. And I must say, it seems that Bec and Elliot are becoming brothers now too. I can see it from where I observe you all. You can never truly stop finding family. That’s what I’ve learned since being here.
I know what Stellan is planning for you seems scary. But take it from someone who was also sucked up into one of his big plans: he will get you there. Even if you think that you will never get there. You are in good hands. Both Stellan, and… Trap, too. You don’t know this yet, but he would do anything for you already, and you have just met. Camellia and Malloy are going to be there every step of the way, too. You will find that you are surrounded by people that are never going to give up on you, just like Bec never did.
Speaking of Bec… He may be getting you into trouble down there. You see, ever since Anakyn made your skin green and Trap called you “Pea-erre,” Bec has not stopped laughing about it. Even SYCA is disappointed in him at this point. He will have periods of who knows how long, where he doesn’t say anything, but then he will think about Pea-erre and just absolutely crack himself up. Knee slap and all. And then you end up with the random giggles while drinking your morning coffee.
It’s always interesting to see them all interact. Bec just keeps laughing at Pea-erre, and Syca facepalms twice as much now as he ever did on earth. I find it interesting how not only do we guardians inspire you humans, but you inspire us, too. I’ve started to be seriously concerned about Pri’s make-up in the morning. But that’s beside the point. I wish that you could know why the giggles get you at any given random time. But there is a lot you can’t know until you are here to laugh with us.
Oh no, I hear a snort. It looks like Syca is shaking his head. I’m going to go see what completely unrelated thing you’re doing that’s about to be ruined by the giggles.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Az,
I know that Henryk is struggling, but I feel that he is going to be okay now. You did the right thing, little bro. You are doing the right thing with all that you do. You are on the right path. I know that without me there, it is hard to know what to do. And I honestly never really knew what to do either, just like you. I just did the best I could. And now, that is what you are doing too.
I know how much you want to take care of Henryk, but I hope you will continue to take care of Pri, too. He needs you just as much as you need him, Azriel, and you are doing something for him that nobody else can. Please, continue to watch out for each other. I know you will.
It is a hard truth that you can’t be me. I realize and understand this. But, you can’t give up. I know that you won’t… But the more you think about it, the more you will understand.
I love you so much, Az. You know that. I hope that you will continue to pursue your dreams, take care of the rest of the family, and be happy and successful. There are people waiting for you. Don’t ask me how, it’s my Big Brother Angel powers at work. Hang in there, little man. You can do this.
I’ll be with you every step of the way. You have relatives that are watching and protecting you and Henryk. I have met with them and continue to watch over all of you as Henryk begins to recover.
I miss you all so much, and I am so sorry. I died trying to protect you. I hope that you will be safe.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Coda,
You don’t need to ask who I am. You don’t really care about me at all, to be honest. And that’s alright, I know that you are just trying to keep your head above water at this point with Stellan and Mako over your shoulders all the time.
Really, I just wanted to write to tell you how proud I am of you for all that you’ve done. And I’m just as proud of Henley, as she has labored over protecting, in her words, “your dumb ass” lately. Yeah, I know, Henley SWORE. I hate to say it, but she has been picking up on that habit of yours. And every time she does it comes about as a shock to those of us that knew her even a little bit on earth. She’s also got quite the fiery tongue on her, always countering with a comeback. I love it when I see glimpses of her in you. When it’s the other way around, well, it’s just a little bit shocking.
Us angels were part of the crowd, watching over you on that TV show, cheering you on as you performed. And you were so good. Henley told us that she hadn’t yet had that feeling of a connection like us guardians get with those we are protecting. Not until you read that letter. Then, she was holding her hand on her chest all night, savoring that warmth as you realized that the people that surround you could become your family.
She doesn’t regret a thing, Coda. She wouldn’t have changed any of it for the world. She didn’t regret it as she was doing it, and certainly not now. To see you have a second chance means everything to her. I’m sure you can feel it in you heart, if you have one. Just kidding.
By the way, Henley now has a habit of calling people “you.” I don’t think she forgets our names like you do, though. I thought you might like that.
She is continuing to watch over you, and protect you. And now that she can feel into your soul, she will always be with you.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Ceru,
I know that some days are harder than others. I admit, we never had a conversation between us. But I see you learning the words to that song that I found in Job’s piano bench. As Piccolo taught you to sign it, Ollie and Owen learned the signs as well. I definitely want to learn them too. We are your cheerleaders up here. But minus the pom poms.
Owen has been so happy. He and Pandy haven’t been apart since he arrived. While it’s obvious that he wishes he could be with his mother, he honestly was glad that you survived him. He was laughing when his mother thought you were him. He could feel the awkward energy surrounding you, despite how un-awkward Linn always was. And even from here, he gets to see his mother improving and keep an eye on her. But he’s not guarding her. He is guarding you.
He knows that you need the extra protection. He is thankful to you for everything that you’ve done. And you don’t know that Camellia is still alive, but she is so grateful to you for taking care of her family when she can’t. Syca talks about you often. Do you remember the first time you arrived, and were standing in front of Syca’s door, wanting to go in but not sure if you should? You probably felt a sudden calm, that sudden urge to open the door. It came straight from the source.
You are doing so much to change the world. And there is so much more waiting, lying out in front of you, for you to pick up and take. There is still much to be done.
Also, Kelwyn’s been hanging around Owen a lot for a while now. I think it started because of Owen’s cat. I often see them together, Pandy strolling right between them, so close to Owen’s feet that if we weren’t all angels, he would have definitely tripped over her. Now that they’re not sliding all over ice and handcuffed together, they are becoming friends. Only under Celestia’s watchful eye, though.
I think that’s all the tea that I have to spill in this letter.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Trap,
I really thought the get along shirt was just a joke. Back in the day, we used to joke around about sticking Thor and Scorp in it if they couldn’t play nice. So when Kat suggested it again, I could see the brief flash of pain on your face at the memory, before agreeing to the idea.
Tuck proclaimed the idea: and Stellan’s girlfriend: a genius.
You are an unusual case. No one there to protect you, and yet you clawed your way back from the brink of death. A lost boy, trapped in a dark soul, locked away. Haha, trapped. No pun intended. Sorry, man. Rofl.
Anyways, I am writing because I think you should know what happened today.
Just like that, you and Camellia were stuck in the shirt. You couldn’t unlock that door. I can’t say I’ve ever been there before. Many of us couldn’t. It was shocking, to say the least… I can’t even imagine what you went through before your Games. But honestly, that’s not why I’m writing.
You saw Camellia that day, but what you didn’t see was Syca.
He was fiery, like Camellia was deep inside. He was gutted. He could feel the protection and the trust from his sister. He did something that is very rare for us angels up here… He cried. He cried in horror and pain for what had become of you. And he could feel the longing for love, deep in your soul, that you continue to push away.
Syca went on a journey, to find the one that taught him how to guard his sister. Someone that I hadn’t met before. Twyla Frisk. I’m sure you remember her…
She was once trapped, like you. She became a protector on earth, and she will now protect you. It is always beautiful when someone gains a guardian. I could see it on your face. Confusion as you looked at the man standing in front of you, trying to tell him anything about why you chose to help him. (Camellia gesticulating wildly in the doorway, poorly.)
When Twyla accepted guardianship over you, something changed.
Something clicked. You could see the sudden strength in your face, a strength different than you had ever known. You could see the realization that there were people that were caring for you. You realized that there was something more to yourself. We watched in front of our eyes as you rejected the dark forces inside of you that were pulling you away from the man that you loved.
You always had it in you, Trap Principato. Twyla just pushed it out of you.
We watched you ball your fists and tell Jace that you were never going to leave his side again. That you were going to take your training for something ugly, and turn it into something beautiful. How much courage was pouring through your veins… How beautifully Twyla was smiling, happy to be back to guarding. Through that, you accepted her guardianship, whether you knew it or not. There is power and strength behind every tear you shed today, every hard truth you shared. You are fighting an upward battle, but you have one of the best on your side now.
You earned yourself some important seals of approval today, as well. Camellia, for one, and Syca by association. Elliot, their brother, glad that someone else was there to fill in for him in his absence.
And Bec, of course. But I think that Bec knew all along how much you love Jace. But he gave the thumbs up. And then started laughing about Pea-erre again (sorry Tessa, it kind of ruined your time together).
Way to go, Champ.
You did good.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Kat,
The day we met you, you were “the guitarist from the new girl band with the blue hair.” But from day two onward, you were henceforth “the girl Wolf can’t stop talking about.”
And now, you’re officially “the girl that Stellan loves.”
It has been so awe-inspiring to watch you two work together. Who would have thought that something that started with us singing Kiss the Girl in the ferris wheel would end up being so… So strong, and beautiful. I suppose it’s because both you and Stellan are dictionary definitions of those things.
By the way, according to Syca, the loudest singer on the ferris wheel was not me, Scorp, or even Calliope. Syca insists that it was Tuck. It was just a shame that you guys couldn’t hear him and Syca and Bec egging you on. And, as I learned this year, nobody sings the penis song louder than that group either.
That’s… Beside the point, though. I know that Stellan likes to give his little talk to people that date his dudes: trust me, Pri was scared shitless for a whole week after it happened to him: and while none of us are even remotely intimidating to you, it doesn’t mean that we’re not all watching and listening to try and make sure you are a good match for our Wolf. And you are. You are perfect for each other, in fact. Watching you fall in love, after Stellan denied himself the joy of romance for so long, well, I am just so happy for him. For both of you, really. But I’m glad that Stellan has someone that is looking out for him. Someone that is just as anxious to protect him as he is to protect her… You deserve each other. In the best way possible.
Thank you for watching over my little sister, Calliope. Thank you for watching over my main man Stellan. He needs you. It is evident to everyone: angel, or not.
And, uh, if you could tone down the whole exercise thing for a minute, that would probably be very good for Twyla’s abs.
The others can see how much you two understand each other, but they don’t get the inside scoop like I do, so they may take a moment to come around to you. Although, with the happiness that radiates off of Stellan when you’re with him, I doubt it will take very long at all.
I know that you tend to think that the others don’t care about you, but if only they could see how much they: and we, up here: think so highly of you. They need you, and Job is very clear about how much you need them, too. It’s interesting how different you both are, and yet, how you both strengthen each other. It is, as I said before, both strong and beautiful.
Please, don’t feel like you aren’t loved so deeply. Look at the doe eyes they all give you, even Trap who towers over you. If you could see Tuck boasting about how Stellan got his soulmate, you would be both embarrassed and flattered.
Stellan always knew, I think, that he couldn’t do what he was doing alone. And he found the perfect teammate to whip the six survivors into shape. It couldn’t have been more perfect. You are crucial to Stellan’s operation: and he is completely wrapped around your little finger, as well.
I hope that you continue to be both strong and beautiful, as you and Stellan are together.
Please, save me a seat at your wedding.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Anakyn,
You are an engaged man! Watching it unfold up here was a glorious thing, as us angels get to see it all happen. We were able to witness the forming of plans, shopping for the perfect ring, and the moment in which it all culminated between you two…
I know how I loved you, all the way when we were practically kids we were so young and free. But even in my pining and my deep heartbreak, I knew that you and Helen were ultimately made to be together. At the time, I could not help but resent that fact: she was everything you needed and everything you wanted, while I wasn’t. But of course, hindsight is 20/20.
Looking back on my life, I don’t regret a single moment of loving you. While we both went our separate ways and found the people that we were ultimately destined for, I don’t regret a moment of my affection towards you. There was a reason you captivated my attention. A good reason that you captured my admiration, for that period of time. It is because you have a pure heart, underneath all of those complex layers of deep pain and brokenness that you carry around like a scarlet letter. And, even though our paths diverged, I still continue to carry that same admiration of your character.
In a world with so many ideas of what is right, it takes great courage to dig deep enough to find your reason. It takes a lot of searching to find your justice, and even more courage to pursue it. For that, for your willingness to pursue what you believe is right, I respect you. I am glad that through thick and thin, you have someone you know you can trust in Helen, and the same for her. You have always been a stellar team, from your very first prank, and will continue to work together until the bitter end, however that befalls you. I sincerely hope and pray that it will not be for another long while.
Your father is guarding you. He is loyal to you and to your mother, but he knows you need his protection now more than ever. And he is forever heartbroken that he will not be there to share these big moments of your life with you, not there to guide you like he should have been. He will protect you any way he can up here, with this barrier between worlds the only thing keeping him from you. In that way, you certainly take after each other.
I have also had some really delightful conversations with the tributes of your past: especially Syca and Henley, as they’re guarding those that are close to my Heart. They have nothing but good things to say about you. When it is all said and done, you did your best to help them, and while you feel like you failed them, they don’t see it that way at all. Syca will always be grateful that you are there to guide his sister, and Henley has always been trustful of the goodness in your heart. Now that she’s here, it is tangible for her to see.
You will continue to guide and protect in your pursuit of justice and a better world, I just know it.
And I am anticipating that this year, you will be needed more than ever, Mockingjay.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Joelle and Anna Magdalena,
I know how overwhelming it must be for you both. I can’t even imagine pretending to be in love with someone… especially while dating someone else…
Jo, you display a tremendous amount of trust, and courage. It is so steadfast. Raoul has been watching over you for a long time, here. He couldn’t be more proud. He talks so often about you and everything that you’re doing. Unlike Tuck and Syca (and myself), Raoul is not yet convinced of Stellan’s genius. He obviously knows that you must be feeling overwhelmed right now. But as I’ve said before, Stellan will never give up on you. Keep on doing what you are doing. We will be here to do what we can, and you have quite a group down there to be with you.
I must say, Stellan really pulled off something spectacular in getting you over there. It’s all a part of his master plan. A sweepstakes. Nobody spit out their coffee when he said it, but I would have. Leave it to him to get you here. He knew how much you three needed to be together.
Maggie, if I may call you that… This is kind of weird. We only know each other because of press, and we never really met. But I just wanted to let you know that Dania is looking over you, as well as her brother and Nona. You have more than you think you do. More… Support, I suppose. I don’t know exactly what you are feeling, but I do know what it’s like to have a brother in danger. I am so sorry this is happening. I know that Stellan will do everything he can to return Em to you alive: and he is definitely stressed about making it happen.
I know that you know how much these three need each other. I know that you are still holding on to that engagement ring as well. I hope that you soon find the courage to put it in the trash. Or sell it and get a cat instead. But it is something you can now let go of, whenever you are ready. Raoul comments that he hopes Jo can give you courage. She did it for Malloy and Camellia, Raoul, her parents, many others… Why not you too?
What you two are doing is a demonstration of such deep trust: in Stellan, and in each other, complete strangers. While I will admit that we’ve shared some laughs up here from how awkward you both are together, I also know that you’re going to do just fine with the act.
And just as he told you before… Trust Stellan.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Jillianne,
So this is Wolf’s little sister. A young woman so fiercely loyal that she was willing to surrender her life of privacy just for a few extra moments with the man she loved.
I am so sorry for how fate has rewarded you for your devotion. It isn’t fair. Unfortunately, none of this is fair. I think you always knew that, though, didn’t you Jillianne?
You have a guardian that is just as devoted as you are. That wants to protect you just as much as you wanted to love him. That misses you just as much as you miss him.
You accepted Elliot’s guardianship right away. I’m sure you could guess when. In Stellan’s arms, as you were for hours that night. Right before you confessed to your brother…
“I loved him.”
He had no idea that was what you needed courage to say. And while you told Stellan how you always party-hopped, hoping he would be there, how you watched her whip him around like a punching bag, how you so badly wanted to get him out of there… How you never wanted to watch him be in pain… He is not in pain anymore, Jill. He is happy here.
He is waiting for you now.
It must have been hard for you to visit him in his final moments. He knows it. He admits it. But he is convinced that he would have stubbornly waited on that table forever. He was waiting, willing to surrender his comfort, continue being in pain, just for a few extra moments with you. Hearing you sing was what he needed to finally let go. You freed him from suffering once. He needed you to free him again, one final time.
You flew into his life like a whirlwind, and changed it for the better. You gave him a magical last party. You saw him through to the very end. Now, his work for you is done, and Stellan is up to bat. Please, know that Elliot wouldn’t have had it any other way for you, Camellia, and Jace. You did so much good for him.
Please, don’t regret a single moment of it.
He doesn’t.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Henryk,
My little brother.
I am so, so sorry that I left you. Of all the people that I left down there, you were by far the hardest to let go of. Not because I love you more than them, of course, but simply because I knew that you would take it the hardest.
Pri arrived right on time. I know that you wish that I was there instead of him and Az, and I will never not be sorry for that. I love you so much, Hen, and every time I see you I yearn to be there for you, to sing Piano Man with you just one more time, to make you smile… But that is not in my realm anymore, not for a long time. I am so sorry. How I wish I could make you smile again. That’s been the hardest thing so far.
I know that someday, happiness will find you again. You have endured so much trauma and pain in such a short amount of time, and it seems that lightning just keeps on striking… But you are also resolved to find a better time and place for yourself, so determined to keep living out of pure, unadulterated hope that someday you will get there. And I still think that you will, even if you don’t right now. And I want nothing more than to see you get to that place. Believe me when I say that…
I know right now you think that without me, that place doesn’t exist. I was always part of your place, and I know that. But… You have to find it without me now.
I know it’s a lot to put on your shoulders, but I think you were always destined to realize this is true. There is a place for you, even without me. I wish that you could have realized this later on in life, when you were growing into your own person and ready to explore the world without me. Unfortunately, it happened far before then. I just hope that someday, you find this truth for yourself and look for a life beyond the hospital bed, just as you always told me you would. That, little brother, is my greatest wish for you.
Until you realize that there’s a place for you without me, I hope that you will continue to lean on the shoulders of Pri and Az. They’re helping each other to help you, and right now, you’re bringing them together, which I really needed. I knew how they needed each other; you know how stubborn Az is about asking for help, especially after he was distant for so long. Finally, he had to ask for help, and now he has something that he needed all along, but especially without me. Hopefully this brings all three of you together. That is all I could ask for. I try to find the beautiful things that are left behind in my wake. There are many: truly, there are: and this is one of those things.
As you grow and mature, I will be here. As you regain abilities that you have to fight for, I will be here, cheering for you, just like your other brothers. As you seek new adventures, I will be right behind you, just as I always promised.
All those times I was so afraid I was going to lose you, you promised me you would be happy to watch over me as an angel.
It seems cruel that now I am the one to fulfill that promise. But I will continue to live into it for the rest of your days on earth, until you come join me here in this place where everything is brilliant and our time together will be endless. I’ll be waiting.
Just like we promised.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Todd,
I don’t think you understand how Wolf dotes on you. And even if you did understand that, I don’t think you know why. How could you possibly know this?
I was quite surprised myself when Tuck told me how Stellan has such a soft spot for the little guitar player from District Seven. And to be fair, he has a soft spot for each of the survivors, of course he would. But… Well…
“Stellan loves Todd because in him, he sees you, Phil.”
Me. Who would have thought that?! Certainly not me, to tell you the truth.
Not anything against you, it’s just, well… I mean, I didn’t really do much of anything for Stellan and his cause. Looking back, my greatest regret is not leaning into him like I should have. He was, of course, a very important figure in my life, but I never actually sat him down and told him how much he meant to me… And now, he won’t get to know that for so, so long. I wish that someone, anyone, could tell him how sorry I am for that… But I am not lucky enough to have that chance for a long while.
I say this because it is so obvious how much he means to you. I am so thankful for that. I wish that I could have told him when I was still alive. I had no idea how little time I had to say it. If only I had known. You are the type of mentee he deserved all along, and I’m glad that you are looking up to him.
Don’t worry about Jack, he is okay, and so is your father. Your mother guards him steadfastly. Jack works so hard, he misses you so much, and he still visits your grave every Sunday. Your special day together still lives on. Hopefully someday soon he will know the truth, as he aches to have his little brother back.
Truthfully, this band would simply not have been able to exist without you. Your patience and level head shows through always. Qualities that are quite like myself… to be quite honest. Your dedication to your band and your friends is admirable: and your willingness to claim them as family from the very first day is evident in your interactions with each one. You are the man that everyone in that bunker needs. They know that you will be their friend. They know that you will leave any baggage at the door with a soft and patient heart. Your compassion shines through you. And while you have a hard time seeing it clearly now, as I did, you will see it when you arrive here. Hopefully that doesn’t happen until you’ve lived a long and happy life.
Continue to guide your friends how you can. Your calm guidance is crucial to Jace now, even though he tried to grill you (while Bec was laughing about Pea-erre, nonetheless), you two are brothers, and he needs your guidance in more ways than one because he knows that you are someone very level that he can trust. That is how you are very widely perceived. Level, trustworthy, always there to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a great hugger, and the apple of your ladies’ eyes.
The one to be dragged into your friends’ crazy antics. I suppose we are more alike than I gave us credit for. While it is exasperating, enjoy that while it lasts. You will miss it when it comes to an end. Keep being the yes man for your family, and never let them go.
Your ally Austin is manning the helm up here for you, and doing a wonderful job at it. You would be proud of him. Thanks to you, he was able to grow enough to spread his wings, and now they are wrapped around you. You will continue to reap what you sow, just as I did.
Keep being strong, and continue to take heart.
Right now, that’s what your family needs.
With Love,
Philander
...
Dear Numitor,
I have put off this letter for so, so long.
I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know what to say to express the deep pain and sorrow that I feel on your behalf.
I don’t know what to say.
Goodness, all of these lines are starting with I. That’s not what I mean to tell you at all. It’s not about me anymore. Just like you, I played my part. My part is now over, and yours has only just begun. The pain you are about to face will run so deep. Explosions, tearing apart your limbs, blowing out your chest, disintegrating your body into dust of the earth… Your pain will only continue to worsen this way. And yet, it is a pain you choose to bear because you want a better world.
You are choosing to endure the burden because you want to protect innocent kids from the same fate as you. And while your fellow survivors are doing the same, they are only willing to sacrifice so much.
Your courage sprouts from anger, not from your own oppression, but from the mistreatment of others. For that, your parents are so proud of you. Your heart is just like theirs.
But, despite this, your parents are not the ones guarding you anymore. There were only two of them, and three children. They did their best. But ultimately, Adeline knew when it was time to rescind her guardianship of you to someone else. That someone else is the one you’ve been fighting for all this time. And he is with you through it all. When he was panicking, you were gentle, and kind. You opened up your home.
You showed him warmth, and protected him. Now, he is returning the favor by warmly protecting you.
Seeing you in so much pain cannot be easy. It isn’t easy for any of us to watch you like this. But who can blame you? You have been faced with trial after trial, you have lost and lost, and death has never passed over your door. And it may never relent…
But neither will you.
Continue to pursue justice for those around you. You deserve it just as much as any of the rest of them. I hope that your bandmates and Stellan will help you understand this. I hope that they never give up on you, because we won’t up here, not until the very end. Not until you get the justice you and hundreds of other kids so desperately deserve.
This was long-winded, but that’s not what I was writing this letter to say. I’m sorry for beating around the bush so much. But I didn’t want to write these words until I wholeheartedly and fully agreed with them.
I forgive you.
With Love,
Philander
