Deleted Scenes: Deep Breaths

He had grown so much. Every day saw new progress, even if it wasn’t completely obvious to Henryk. He was talking more coherently, rather than just pointing at pictures. He was more aware each day: his face gave more signs of life and less of hospitalization. Sometimes, Az was overjoyed with his brother’s progress: sometimes, he was sure Henryk would never walk again. 

 

He liked it when Az and Pri could get him in the wheelchair and wheel him around the hospital. As he got better, he was even allowed to go out to the small local park on nice days. He had various specialists in and out to help him: and thankfully, the Markovs could afford the best in the business. Interns from the University poured in to watch sessions, some of them even working with Henryk for short periods of time (with his and his parents’ permission of course). 

 

Today was a big step for Henryk. He was going to learn to eat independently again. He was getting stronger and stronger, but he wanted to live his life independently. There was so many different professionals working with him, Henryk couldn’t keep them all straight; neurologists to look at his brain scans, speech language pathologists to help him speak again, physical therapists to help him walk and move, and currently, an occupational therapist to help him do daily tasks he used to be able to do all on his own but now needed help with since the stroke made controlling the right side of his body near impossible, things that used to be easy like eating or putting on clothes in the morning. Very few things were easy now, but Henryk didn’t like being dependent on everyone else to help him now. He was ready to do things himself again. 

 

Az and Pri were always there with him. Usually, one of his parents was in the area, but they were still struggling with the death of their oldest and seeing Henryk in such a state. Az watched the therapist explain what they would be doing with Henryk optimistically and calmly. Henryk seemed so excited to be doing something again, so he listened closely. They had been doing multiple exercises with his right arm and hand that made him feel ready to try eating again. 

 

“Now, it might be challenging at first, but with practice, you’ll be eating by yourself again soon.” Az hoped so. Henryk hated to eat in public, hating the thought that everyone watched him being fed by his older brother. 

 

But never had a fork looked so gargantuan. It had a wider handle than most forks Henryk was used to seeing, so that it would be easier to grasp and manipulate according to the therapist, but the task still seemed so daunting. 

 

“First, you will get used to holding a fork steadily again…” And such began the timely process. Though it started out well enough, Az watched his brother’s face contort in frustration as he tried to hold it steadily enough to stab a piece of food. To see such a sight was humbling to Az, who didn’t realize how quickly things like the ability to eat could be taken away. 

 

Towards the end of the session, Henryk’s face was full of frustration: to the point where the therapist’s kind and encouraging words were no longer breaking through to him. It was a pretty obvious time to stop with that training for the day and switch to something else. After a few more familiar exercises that Henryk had gotten good at, the therapist gave Henryk some exercises to practice through the week, making sure that Pri and Az were listening so that they could help him with them, and then left with a kind goodbye. 

 

Henryk’s face hadn’t changed from the icy expression he had when he was holding the fork. 

 

“You’re off to a good start, buddy,” Pri said, offering him a gentle smile. “It’s going to take some time, that’s all, but you’ll get it.” 

 

Even Pri’s warm words didn’t break through to Henryk. He just gave Pri a look that told him exactly what he was thinking: yeah, right. 

 

“Pri’s right,” Az said. “You made so much progress today.” 

 

“Stop,” said Henryk, crossing his arms. The once chatty kid barely talked at all nowadays. Only when he felt like he absolutely had to. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the faces of the two older boys that were always so full of pity and fear. 

 

Az exchanged a sad look with Pri. Az felt so helpless. He couldn’t even get his brother to smile… If only Phil were here, he thought miserably. If Phil were here, he would know what to do to make Henryk feel better… Az wasn’t nearly as close with him as Phil was, despite their closeness in age. Now, without Phil there to be a bridge, Az felt helpless with how to help. 

 

What would Phil do? He was asking himself that question all the time. If he could just be like Phil, then maybe Henryk would be happier, maybe then he would feel better, if Az could fill the role that Phil left… Phil always made Henryk smile. Even when nobody else could. Az could never do that. 

 

Az just wanted to see him smile again, like he used to… Back when Phil was still around. When they were all close, when Henryk was always smiling, when Phil was always happy to babysit them. 

 

Dammit… 

 

Az was out of ideas. He just wanted Phil to be there to guide him… 

 

He did know one thing that always seemed to work, though… 

 

“It's nine o'clock on a Saturday...

The regular crowd shuffles in…” he started to sing Henryk’s favorite song. Oh, how he would giggle when he heard it with delight, the first time he was in the hospital. 

 

Now, though, his face didn’t change. He cut Az off with a loud, “STOP!” Pri jumped a little, and Az felt his heart crash to his stomach as Henryk continued, “You’re… Not him. Stop.”

 

He glared over at Az, looking like there was more that he wanted to say to him, but not being able to articulate it. 

 

“Mom,” he said finally. “Get Mom.” 

 

Az’s eyes filled with tears. He sniffled, gave his brother an obedient nod, and ran out the door.  Pri hesitated, glancing between the youngest Markov and the empty doorway. Both brothers' lives had been shattered by loss of Phil, and Pri knew they must be feeling so lost without him, but he also knew there was nothing he could do to comfort Henryk right now when all he wanted was Phil. 

 

“I’ll come see you later, Henryk,” Pri said softly before heading down the hallway after Az. 

 

“Your son wants you,” spat Az bitterly. “It’s his lunch time.” 

 

“Sweetie, are you alright?” Lilith’s eyes became concerned as she reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. 

 

“Don’t keep him waiting,” said Az, ducking out of his mother’s grip and storming out of the building. 

 

Pri wasn’t sure if Az wanted him around. They didn’t know each other well, and he could never replace Phil. He could never be the man Phil was, and it would be pointless to even try. But… he did know what it was like to face a loss like Az have and have to fill a completely new role he never had to before. Maybe… he could be something else for Az. He had to try to support him through this. He owed it to his Philander. 

 

Pri exited the building out the same door Az had used and found him sitting outside the door on the stairs, sobbing into his knees, which were pulled up close to his face. 

 

“Az?” Pri asked after a moment. “Can I sit?” 

 

At his gentle voice, Az gave a weak nod into his knees as another sob escaped his lips. He grabbed his knees tighter. “What do you want from me?” What did anyone want from him? 

 

“I don’t want anything from you.You have enough on your shoulders as it is. I just… I guess I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I… I know we haven’t talked a lot and if you would rather be alone, I can go back inside. But if not… I’m here for you.” Pri was done being selfish. No longer would he hide from the world, drowning in his own misery. Yes, he had lost the love of his life, the first: and probably last: person he had ever loved romantically, but Az had lost a brother. That pain was comparable to no other. 

 

“He doesn’t want me,” Az said, with another sob into his hands. “He wants Phil. He would rather Phil be there and me be dead… How am I supposed to do anything for him!? He said it. I’m not Phil.” He squeezed tears out of his eyes. “Maybe I should just make it better and go back to the Capitol.” 

 

Pri laid a hand on Az’s back and when the younger boy didn’t pull away, he kept it there, scooting closer to him. “Henryk needs you here. He needs all the encouragement he can get. And you’re right, you’re not Phil. Neither am I. No one can replace him. Phil was…” Pri swallowed hard, feeling a lump form in his throat and his eyes prickle with tears that he tried to blink back. “He was special. Trying to be him… that… that’s not going to work, because you’re not him. You’re Azriel. Henryk needs Phil, yes, but he also needs you.” 

 

“I can’t… I don’t even know where to start.” He blinked a few more tears out of his eyes. “I… I’m not like Phil.” 

 

Pri closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He related to Az on so many levels, but going back to his younger years… it hurt so badly. He avoided talking about those days at all costs. Phil hadn’t even known about those days until Calliope accidentally told him, not knowing that Phil had no idea. “I… I don’t often talk about this, but… I am the third child born of nine. I have one older sister, Harmonia, who… well, let’s just say she’s a lot like our mother and really doesn’t give a shit about the rest of us. I also had an older brother, Heimdall, two years older than myself. When I was 14, he took his own life after facing years of abuse from my mother and other people for being transgender. When he died… suddenly I was left being the oldest sibling who actually cared, with six younger siblings looking up to me for guidance. My sister Calliope was particularly close to Heimdall. She was only eight…” Tears poured from Pri’s eyes, but he didn’t bother to stop them. “She was convinced Heimdall wasn’t gone, that he was a guardian angel, always there with us, protecting us… it was her way of coping with him being gone. I… I tried to be Heimdall for them, but… it didn’t work. I wasn’t Heimdall, and I never would be. It was actually Calliope that told me she missed the old Pri, and that’s when I realized… I couldn’t be Heimdall. Ideally, my siblings needed him, but he was gone. I finally realized that by trying to be Heimdall, I wasn’t being myself. They needed Pri. Eventually… we all healed. We had a new normal. Henryk needs you, Az. He’s just hurting right now. You both are.” 

 

“They’re such big shoes…” Az said quietly, leaning over and putting his head on Pri’s shoulder. “I feel so small. I’m just trying…” 

 

“I know… they’re impossible shoes to fill. Most days I feel like half the man Phil was. Maybe as his boyfriend I saw him through rose-colored glasses, but… while no one is perfect, I never met anyone who comes as close to perfect as Phil did. If it were me who were dead, he wouldn’t have wasted away in his bedroom in his wallowing in self pity for weeks. He would have been there for Calliope and all my other siblings. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I couldn’t even write Henryk a damn letter because I was such a mess.” Pri left out a sob, his tears falling more quickly now. How hard it was to keep himself together nowadays. “I’m sorry, I’m being selfish, like always. I’m supposed to be comforting you, but look how that turned out. Phil’s definitely so much better at this…” 

 

“It’s okay,” Az said quietly. “I understand how you feel. Sometimes, it just seems so hopeless. I’ve been looking to you for guidance on all of this. So don’t feel… Like you don’t have a place here. I need you to be here. I know that I’ve been kind of distant, but now, I think we just both need family.” He wrapped his arms around Pri’s arm and held it tightly. “He’s going to keep watching over us, doing what he can for us, but we have to fill in the rest.” 

 

Pri sobbed again before wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He didn’t realize how badly he needed to hear those words until Az said them. It was true, he did feel out of place here. Not because the Markovs were unwelcoming, far from it. Lilith and Elmer were the most loving, accepting people he had ever met, which really was no surprise with the sons they had raised. “Thank you, Az… I needed that. I could never replace your brother, and I wouldn’t dare try. I could never fill his place in your hearts. I still want to be here for you, though. I owe Phil that much, to step in and be here since he can’t. You’re right, he’s still with us. That’s one thing my sister has taught me; as long as we remember our loved ones, they’ll never disappear, not really. We just have to try our best. That’s… that’s all we can do.” Pri sighed, knowing he really needed to follow his own advice. I’ll try my best, he promised Phil silently. I won’t fail your brothers. 

 

Az nodded, sniffling and wiping at his tears. “I should go apologize to Hen and tell him that I’m going to keep being there for him.” He didn’t move to let go of Pri’s arm for a moment. “Thanks for coming here to find me, though. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” 

 

“Of course,” Pri said, giving the younger boy a hug. “Although, I should be thanking you. If you hadn’t come to get me, I would still be staring at the walls feeling sorry for myself. You woke me up to reality, and made me realize that Phil wouldn’t want that for me. He’d want me here, helping his family get through this together, and helping myself, too, in the process, when I think about it. So thank you, Azriel.” 

 

Az smiled at hearing his full name, and gave his arm one last squeeze. 

 

He let go, stood up, and patted Pri’s shoulder one last time before he burst through the hospital doors. A new fire raged in him, one to make Phil proud by making things right, and stepping into his role as Henryk’s brother Azriel. He felt empowered knowing that there would be a support system behind him, to help him when he struggled. Pri was there to mentor him through the devastating loss, his parents were willing to listen and hold him in his worst moments, and Henryk was going to continue to do his best to fight the good fight. 

 

That was what Phil would have wanted. 

 

Deleted Scenes: Short Steps

(Written by Dreamer. Thanks Dreamer!)

Priapus Fortier, 24

 

Pri was alone again. Last night he had been surrounded by the people Phil had loved most outside his biological family, all of them mourning a life stolen too soon, but they had parted ways, leaving Pri with heartache that would never fade.

 

It was so easy to lose himself in his thoughts when he was alone. People were milling around the train station, but Pri didn’t pay them any attention as he stared at the concrete in front of him. After countless nights of barely sleeping, Pri was not feeling up to holding a conversation, let alone one with a stranger. In all honesty, Pri was not feeling up to anything and hadn’t for weeks. It was only because of Calliope stopping by every day to make sure he ate that he wasn’t weak from hunger and dehydration. His little sister, who never should have had to see her brother so shattered. Pri knew his pain hurt her, but he couldn’t find the strength to pretend to be okay for her, to even comfort her after she witnessed the execution of one of her friends. 

 

Phil would have been there for her. Even in his grief he would have protected her, cared for her, not let her deal with not only her pain, but his as well. Phil wouldn’t have shut down on her. But you did. Your own little sister. 

 

Pri felt never-ending tears spring fill his eyes, so he squeezed them shut. Crying would only draw more attention, and the more attention that was on him, the more likely he would be to be recognized. Dating the lead singer and the pianist of one of the most popular bands in Panem had definitely put Pri in the spotlight, more than being the child of a soap opera actress ever did, and while he never became fully comfortable with the paparazzi and the fans, Phil being at his side had made it worth every intrusive camera flash and awkward autograph. Alone though, with Phil gone? No… no way in hell could he handle that.

 

Pri tried to push away the emotions from the past few weeks and instead focused on why he was waiting for an early morning train to District 3 in the first place. Henryk. Pri was done being selfish. He had let Phil’s little brother down and almost hadn’t been there when he needed him most. If the Markovs had to lose another son just weeks after losing the first, Pri would have never forgiven himself. Phil couldn’t be there for his brothers, and while it wasn’t nearly the same as having Phil there, Pri had to step up and be present during the most challenging time the family had ever had to face. 

 

As much as he wanted to never say goodbye to his love, Pri had to come back home for the underground funeral they had arranged. Part of him felt guilty he couldn’t find the strength to speak at his own boyfriend’s funeral, but knowing Phil knew whatever he would have said was a small comfort. Now that it was over, Pri was eager to return to Phil’s family. Yet… 

 

Something was bothering Pri. He felt like he was missing something very important. He wasn’t sure how long he’d be in District 3, but Henryk had a long road to recover ahead of him, and Pri wanted to be here for every second of it. He might not be home again for a while. He had to… 

The regret hit him suddenly, filling him with a sense of panic. A week ago, Phil’s brother Az had brought him a CD Phil had made for him, likely as a six-month anniversary gift. Pri couldn’t bear to listen to it. Any sort of music was hard for Pri to listen to at the moment, but hearing Phil’s voice would have been too much to handle, as much as he longed to hear his voice again. Just… he wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. At the same time though… Pri felt wrong about leaving the CD behind. It felt like a betrayal, somehow, after Phil had likely put so much work into creating something for him.

Pri glanced at his phone and saw he still had an hour before the train would arrive. Pri was always one to show up way early for things, even more so when he couldn’t sleep and was anxious to get going. If he hurried, he could get home, grab the CD, and still make the morning train. 

 

Pri gathered his bags and sprinted out of the station, stopping at the curb to hail a cab. He paid the driver and dashed into his building to his apartment, fumbling with his keys before unlocking the door and headed straight to his room. He scanned the area, which was cleaned up by Calliope while he was in District 3 the past week, frowning slightly as he tried to figure out where she might have put it. He checked under the covers of the bed, on top of his dresser, on the shelf with his other CDs, even under the bed, but the CD was nowhere to be seen. 

 

Dammit, he had to go! Pri blinked back tears of frustration, sick and tired of crying over every little thing, which seemed to be a common occurrence over the past few weeks. His brain felt like mush, like it just couldn’t think of a logical place the CD could be. He couldn’t call his sister; it wasn’t even seven in the morning, and he wouldn’t wake her up after all the late nights she spent sitting up with him. Just as he was about to give up and go back outside to catch another cab, a thought came to him. Pri opened the drawer to his nightstand, wincing at all the color coded notes Phil would never get to read, Pri’ anniversary gift to him. But there, sitting at the front of the drawer, was the CD. Pri snatched it up and closed the drawer quickly before any more tears could fall. Pri clutched Phil’s precious gift close to his chest before hurrying out the door. He had a train to catch. 

 

~.~

The Markov house was quiet, with most of its occupants sound asleep. The only person awake was Pri, who laid in his makeshift bed in the middle of the living room, staring up at the ceiling as he listened to the clock tick on the wall. The day had been a long one; Henryk was home now, making strides every day while returning to the hospital for therapy sessions a few days a week. Pri and the entire Markov family had been working with him at home, and improvements were slow, but encouraging. Pri was worn out, yet sleep would not come to him. It was just one of those nights. 

 

Tomorrow - or rather today, seeing how it was nearly 2 am - was the first day of December. His and Phil’s first anniversary would have been in less than two weeks. Pri had been so startled at the realization of the date that he had to excuse himself from lunch to compose himself. Pri couldn’t believe how much time had passed since they had lost Phil. What was even more shocking is that Phil had been dead almost as long as he had Pri had been together…. Pri had been doing okay over the past few months. He was eating more, not just what he had to to keep up his strength. He found himself smiling more, too, allowing himself to enjoy spending time with the Markovs. He had even been crying less, gradually going from spilling tears every day, several times a day, to being able to engage in stories about Phil with an affectionate smile on his face rather than tearing up. Now that their anniversary was rapidly approaching, Pri could feel himself spiralling again, despite having the Markovs there for support. He knew he wouldn’t reach the point of where he was the first weeks after Phil’s death, promising himself he’d never let himself reach such a dark place again, but Pri knew he was going to be in for a very difficult time. Was this his new reality? Getting by without Phil for most of the year, but crumbling every June and December? 

 

Pri closed his eyes, trying to focus on taking deep, calm breaths, yet his head was spinning with thoughts. His time with Phil had been so short. They had dated for six months and had known each other for about nine months in total, less than a year. Phil had changed his life so much in that short time, leaving an everlasting imprint on his heart, but those months weren’t nearly long enough. Pri had fourteen years with his brother Heimdall before he died, yet sometimes Pri struggled to remember what he even sounded like. 

 

What if I forget Phil’s voice? 

 

Pri abruptly sat upright. No! He couldn’t! Phil had the voice of an angel, soft and loving and soothing to the ear. Pri could have listened to his voice all day, both his speaking and singing voice. He… he would never forget it… would he? 

 

But what if you did? 

 

Pri ripped off the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed.  He moved with purpose, while still being quiet enough to avoid waking the whole family. He maneuvered through the dark hallway to Phil’s old room before closing the door behind him and flipping on the light, blinking repeatedly at the sudden brightness. He hadn’t been in here for months, not since Lilith and Elmer had offered him their son’s bedroom to sleep in while he stayed with them. Pri had wanted to try to sleep there, but that first night, he just… couldn’t. Lilith and Elmer had made other accommodations for him, which was how he had ended up sleeping in the living room every night. 

 

However, the room still had a purpose. Most of Phil’s belongings had been cleared out, with only his bed, a shelf, and his radio remaining. On the shelf, Pri had put the CD Phil had made for him, wanting to keep it in a place he knew he could find it. When he brought it back from the Capitol with him, he hadn’t had the strength to listen to it, and hadn’t been ready either since. It was here, though, waiting for him. That is what mattered. With a shaking hand, Pri reached for the CD. It was time. He couldn’t put it off anymore. 

Pri opened the case and gasped quietly at the familiar writing on the inside of the front cover. Phil’s writing. 

 

To My Music,

I think we’ve talked about how much we mean to each other that it’s impossible to forget. Of course, music is the easiest way to express myself. Just in case you need a reminder of how much I love you, I have created a compilation of songs that remind me of us. I love you, my darling. Happy six-month anniversary. 

 

The tears began flowing even before Pri put the CD into the player. He had to follow through with this, though. Phil had put time to make something so special, and he wouldn’t have wanted it to go unlistened to forever. Close to six months had already been too long. Taking a deep breath, Pri turned on the radio, put in the CD in, and pressed play. 

 

Short steps, deep breath 

Everything’s alright

 

Tears flowed faster at the sound of Phil’s soothing voices, tears that were full of so much more than just sadness. Longing. Comfort. Relief. Of course he didn’t forget his love’s voice. As soon as Phil began to sing, Pri knew just how silly his fear was.

 

Pri’s legs didn’t feel strong enough to support him, so he gently eased himself to the floor and buried his head in his arms, listening to Phil sing so tenderly to him. 

 

If you’re with me, then everything’s alright

 

Not everything was alright, and it wouldn’t be for a long time. Yet, somehow, in this moment, Pri felt… at peace. He felt warm and loved, like someone had wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. That was impossible, though. Pri was alone in the room.

 

The next song made Pri gasp from it’s beauty. Phil had sung Every Time We Touch before, but it had been the original version, light and fast and energetic and Pri remembered laughing as Phil grinned at him, his fingers dancing across the keyboard of the piano with seemingly little effort. The version playing now though, was soft and emotional, with a completely different change in tempo. The song now had a different feel, the lyrics “Without you, it’s hard to survive” having a completely new meaning that hit home for Pri. 

 

Pri sobbed quietly into his arms, doing his best to keep quiet to avoid waking anyone else up. After a while, he got control of himself and was finally able to listen to Phil’s voice and focus on soaking in the music, tears rolling silently down his cheeks. It was a comfort Pri should have engaged in long ago, but fear and heartache had stopped him from doing so. The songs ended, about five or six of them, in all, but Pri still sat on the floor, not quite feeling like moving as he contemplated what to do next. 

Pri looked up as there was a quiet knock at the door. The door cracked open, and Az’s head popped in, concern in his eyes. “Hey, I saw the light on and… are you okay? What are you doing on the floor?” The boy paused, his eyes widening as he spotted the open CD case lying on the floor. “You listened to it…” 

 

“Yeah…” Pri said softly, wiping his tears before frowning at Az. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?” 

 

Az shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. I just woke up and had to use the bathroom, but I saw the light on in here. Are you okay?” 

 

“I’m fine,” said Pri, and surprisingly, it wasn’t a lie. “It’s just… today I realized it’s December and… our anniversary is  coming up…. I couldn’t put off listening to it any longer.” 

 

“Oh, that’s right...” Az said, his eyes sad and sympathetic as he sat on the edge of the bed and rested a hand on Pri’s shoulder. “Phil loved you so much, you know. I remember he would call home from the Capitol and talk all about this new friend he made in his theater class. How kind and humble you were, and how much you went out of your way to treat him like an ordinary guy, not just a celebrity. Then when he came home for WInterfest, he told us you had gotten together and were dating, and he was just so lovesick. It was kind of annoying, actually.” Az laughed, joking in the way only a brother could. “Seriously though, we were all really happy for him. You meant the world to him, Pri.” 

 

“I know…. He was everything to me too. It might be overdramatic to say when I’m not even twenty-five yet, but… I honestly can’t see myself finding anyone I love as much as I love him. I don’t know if you believe in soulmates, but… Phil is definitely mine.” 

 

“I don’t think you’re being overdramatic,” Az said slowly, “but I also think that if you did find love again, Phil wouldn’t mind. If you don’t, that’s okay, you can be happy even without being in a romantic relationship, right? That’s what Phil would want most for you, I think. To be happy.” 

 

Pri nodded, knowing Az was right, though imagining himself kissing anyone else, holding someone in his arms, marrying someone else… it all seemed impossible. “Thanks for checking in, Azriel. You should get some sleep though.” 

 

Az yawned, proving his point. “I will. So should you, though.” 

 

“Yeah, I’m going to try,” Pri agreed. “And actually… I think I’m going to try sleeping in here tonight. I think I might finally be ready, but if I can’t… well, I still have the bed in the living room.” 

 

“Right.” Az gave him a small smile before getting to his feet. “Good night, Pri.” 

 

“Night, Az,” Pri said as the younger boy slipped out into the hall and into the bathroom.

 

Short steps. Deep breaths. That was what it would take for Pri to heal. He was already on the road there, but that road would have bumps and challenges. Pri would make it though, knowing it was what Phil would want. He wasn’t alone either. He had his family and the Markovs, people who had become a second family in the short time he had known them. It would take time, but Pri knew now that eventually, everything would be alright.