Deleted Scenes: Short Steps

(Written by Dreamer. Thanks Dreamer!)

Priapus Fortier, 24

 

Pri was alone again. Last night he had been surrounded by the people Phil had loved most outside his biological family, all of them mourning a life stolen too soon, but they had parted ways, leaving Pri with heartache that would never fade.

 

It was so easy to lose himself in his thoughts when he was alone. People were milling around the train station, but Pri didn’t pay them any attention as he stared at the concrete in front of him. After countless nights of barely sleeping, Pri was not feeling up to holding a conversation, let alone one with a stranger. In all honesty, Pri was not feeling up to anything and hadn’t for weeks. It was only because of Calliope stopping by every day to make sure he ate that he wasn’t weak from hunger and dehydration. His little sister, who never should have had to see her brother so shattered. Pri knew his pain hurt her, but he couldn’t find the strength to pretend to be okay for her, to even comfort her after she witnessed the execution of one of her friends. 

 

Phil would have been there for her. Even in his grief he would have protected her, cared for her, not let her deal with not only her pain, but his as well. Phil wouldn’t have shut down on her. But you did. Your own little sister. 

 

Pri felt never-ending tears spring fill his eyes, so he squeezed them shut. Crying would only draw more attention, and the more attention that was on him, the more likely he would be to be recognized. Dating the lead singer and the pianist of one of the most popular bands in Panem had definitely put Pri in the spotlight, more than being the child of a soap opera actress ever did, and while he never became fully comfortable with the paparazzi and the fans, Phil being at his side had made it worth every intrusive camera flash and awkward autograph. Alone though, with Phil gone? No… no way in hell could he handle that.

 

Pri tried to push away the emotions from the past few weeks and instead focused on why he was waiting for an early morning train to District 3 in the first place. Henryk. Pri was done being selfish. He had let Phil’s little brother down and almost hadn’t been there when he needed him most. If the Markovs had to lose another son just weeks after losing the first, Pri would have never forgiven himself. Phil couldn’t be there for his brothers, and while it wasn’t nearly the same as having Phil there, Pri had to step up and be present during the most challenging time the family had ever had to face. 

 

As much as he wanted to never say goodbye to his love, Pri had to come back home for the underground funeral they had arranged. Part of him felt guilty he couldn’t find the strength to speak at his own boyfriend’s funeral, but knowing Phil knew whatever he would have said was a small comfort. Now that it was over, Pri was eager to return to Phil’s family. Yet… 

 

Something was bothering Pri. He felt like he was missing something very important. He wasn’t sure how long he’d be in District 3, but Henryk had a long road to recover ahead of him, and Pri wanted to be here for every second of it. He might not be home again for a while. He had to… 

The regret hit him suddenly, filling him with a sense of panic. A week ago, Phil’s brother Az had brought him a CD Phil had made for him, likely as a six-month anniversary gift. Pri couldn’t bear to listen to it. Any sort of music was hard for Pri to listen to at the moment, but hearing Phil’s voice would have been too much to handle, as much as he longed to hear his voice again. Just… he wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. At the same time though… Pri felt wrong about leaving the CD behind. It felt like a betrayal, somehow, after Phil had likely put so much work into creating something for him.

Pri glanced at his phone and saw he still had an hour before the train would arrive. Pri was always one to show up way early for things, even more so when he couldn’t sleep and was anxious to get going. If he hurried, he could get home, grab the CD, and still make the morning train. 

 

Pri gathered his bags and sprinted out of the station, stopping at the curb to hail a cab. He paid the driver and dashed into his building to his apartment, fumbling with his keys before unlocking the door and headed straight to his room. He scanned the area, which was cleaned up by Calliope while he was in District 3 the past week, frowning slightly as he tried to figure out where she might have put it. He checked under the covers of the bed, on top of his dresser, on the shelf with his other CDs, even under the bed, but the CD was nowhere to be seen. 

 

Dammit, he had to go! Pri blinked back tears of frustration, sick and tired of crying over every little thing, which seemed to be a common occurrence over the past few weeks. His brain felt like mush, like it just couldn’t think of a logical place the CD could be. He couldn’t call his sister; it wasn’t even seven in the morning, and he wouldn’t wake her up after all the late nights she spent sitting up with him. Just as he was about to give up and go back outside to catch another cab, a thought came to him. Pri opened the drawer to his nightstand, wincing at all the color coded notes Phil would never get to read, Pri’ anniversary gift to him. But there, sitting at the front of the drawer, was the CD. Pri snatched it up and closed the drawer quickly before any more tears could fall. Pri clutched Phil’s precious gift close to his chest before hurrying out the door. He had a train to catch. 

 

~.~

The Markov house was quiet, with most of its occupants sound asleep. The only person awake was Pri, who laid in his makeshift bed in the middle of the living room, staring up at the ceiling as he listened to the clock tick on the wall. The day had been a long one; Henryk was home now, making strides every day while returning to the hospital for therapy sessions a few days a week. Pri and the entire Markov family had been working with him at home, and improvements were slow, but encouraging. Pri was worn out, yet sleep would not come to him. It was just one of those nights. 

 

Tomorrow - or rather today, seeing how it was nearly 2 am - was the first day of December. His and Phil’s first anniversary would have been in less than two weeks. Pri had been so startled at the realization of the date that he had to excuse himself from lunch to compose himself. Pri couldn’t believe how much time had passed since they had lost Phil. What was even more shocking is that Phil had been dead almost as long as he had Pri had been together…. Pri had been doing okay over the past few months. He was eating more, not just what he had to to keep up his strength. He found himself smiling more, too, allowing himself to enjoy spending time with the Markovs. He had even been crying less, gradually going from spilling tears every day, several times a day, to being able to engage in stories about Phil with an affectionate smile on his face rather than tearing up. Now that their anniversary was rapidly approaching, Pri could feel himself spiralling again, despite having the Markovs there for support. He knew he wouldn’t reach the point of where he was the first weeks after Phil’s death, promising himself he’d never let himself reach such a dark place again, but Pri knew he was going to be in for a very difficult time. Was this his new reality? Getting by without Phil for most of the year, but crumbling every June and December? 

 

Pri closed his eyes, trying to focus on taking deep, calm breaths, yet his head was spinning with thoughts. His time with Phil had been so short. They had dated for six months and had known each other for about nine months in total, less than a year. Phil had changed his life so much in that short time, leaving an everlasting imprint on his heart, but those months weren’t nearly long enough. Pri had fourteen years with his brother Heimdall before he died, yet sometimes Pri struggled to remember what he even sounded like. 

 

What if I forget Phil’s voice? 

 

Pri abruptly sat upright. No! He couldn’t! Phil had the voice of an angel, soft and loving and soothing to the ear. Pri could have listened to his voice all day, both his speaking and singing voice. He… he would never forget it… would he? 

 

But what if you did? 

 

Pri ripped off the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed.  He moved with purpose, while still being quiet enough to avoid waking the whole family. He maneuvered through the dark hallway to Phil’s old room before closing the door behind him and flipping on the light, blinking repeatedly at the sudden brightness. He hadn’t been in here for months, not since Lilith and Elmer had offered him their son’s bedroom to sleep in while he stayed with them. Pri had wanted to try to sleep there, but that first night, he just… couldn’t. Lilith and Elmer had made other accommodations for him, which was how he had ended up sleeping in the living room every night. 

 

However, the room still had a purpose. Most of Phil’s belongings had been cleared out, with only his bed, a shelf, and his radio remaining. On the shelf, Pri had put the CD Phil had made for him, wanting to keep it in a place he knew he could find it. When he brought it back from the Capitol with him, he hadn’t had the strength to listen to it, and hadn’t been ready either since. It was here, though, waiting for him. That is what mattered. With a shaking hand, Pri reached for the CD. It was time. He couldn’t put it off anymore. 

Pri opened the case and gasped quietly at the familiar writing on the inside of the front cover. Phil’s writing. 

 

To My Music,

I think we’ve talked about how much we mean to each other that it’s impossible to forget. Of course, music is the easiest way to express myself. Just in case you need a reminder of how much I love you, I have created a compilation of songs that remind me of us. I love you, my darling. Happy six-month anniversary. 

 

The tears began flowing even before Pri put the CD into the player. He had to follow through with this, though. Phil had put time to make something so special, and he wouldn’t have wanted it to go unlistened to forever. Close to six months had already been too long. Taking a deep breath, Pri turned on the radio, put in the CD in, and pressed play. 

 

Short steps, deep breath 

Everything’s alright

 

Tears flowed faster at the sound of Phil’s soothing voices, tears that were full of so much more than just sadness. Longing. Comfort. Relief. Of course he didn’t forget his love’s voice. As soon as Phil began to sing, Pri knew just how silly his fear was.

 

Pri’s legs didn’t feel strong enough to support him, so he gently eased himself to the floor and buried his head in his arms, listening to Phil sing so tenderly to him. 

 

If you’re with me, then everything’s alright

 

Not everything was alright, and it wouldn’t be for a long time. Yet, somehow, in this moment, Pri felt… at peace. He felt warm and loved, like someone had wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. That was impossible, though. Pri was alone in the room.

 

The next song made Pri gasp from it’s beauty. Phil had sung Every Time We Touch before, but it had been the original version, light and fast and energetic and Pri remembered laughing as Phil grinned at him, his fingers dancing across the keyboard of the piano with seemingly little effort. The version playing now though, was soft and emotional, with a completely different change in tempo. The song now had a different feel, the lyrics “Without you, it’s hard to survive” having a completely new meaning that hit home for Pri. 

 

Pri sobbed quietly into his arms, doing his best to keep quiet to avoid waking anyone else up. After a while, he got control of himself and was finally able to listen to Phil’s voice and focus on soaking in the music, tears rolling silently down his cheeks. It was a comfort Pri should have engaged in long ago, but fear and heartache had stopped him from doing so. The songs ended, about five or six of them, in all, but Pri still sat on the floor, not quite feeling like moving as he contemplated what to do next. 

Pri looked up as there was a quiet knock at the door. The door cracked open, and Az’s head popped in, concern in his eyes. “Hey, I saw the light on and… are you okay? What are you doing on the floor?” The boy paused, his eyes widening as he spotted the open CD case lying on the floor. “You listened to it…” 

 

“Yeah…” Pri said softly, wiping his tears before frowning at Az. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?” 

 

Az shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. I just woke up and had to use the bathroom, but I saw the light on in here. Are you okay?” 

 

“I’m fine,” said Pri, and surprisingly, it wasn’t a lie. “It’s just… today I realized it’s December and… our anniversary is  coming up…. I couldn’t put off listening to it any longer.” 

 

“Oh, that’s right...” Az said, his eyes sad and sympathetic as he sat on the edge of the bed and rested a hand on Pri’s shoulder. “Phil loved you so much, you know. I remember he would call home from the Capitol and talk all about this new friend he made in his theater class. How kind and humble you were, and how much you went out of your way to treat him like an ordinary guy, not just a celebrity. Then when he came home for WInterfest, he told us you had gotten together and were dating, and he was just so lovesick. It was kind of annoying, actually.” Az laughed, joking in the way only a brother could. “Seriously though, we were all really happy for him. You meant the world to him, Pri.” 

 

“I know…. He was everything to me too. It might be overdramatic to say when I’m not even twenty-five yet, but… I honestly can’t see myself finding anyone I love as much as I love him. I don’t know if you believe in soulmates, but… Phil is definitely mine.” 

 

“I don’t think you’re being overdramatic,” Az said slowly, “but I also think that if you did find love again, Phil wouldn’t mind. If you don’t, that’s okay, you can be happy even without being in a romantic relationship, right? That’s what Phil would want most for you, I think. To be happy.” 

 

Pri nodded, knowing Az was right, though imagining himself kissing anyone else, holding someone in his arms, marrying someone else… it all seemed impossible. “Thanks for checking in, Azriel. You should get some sleep though.” 

 

Az yawned, proving his point. “I will. So should you, though.” 

 

“Yeah, I’m going to try,” Pri agreed. “And actually… I think I’m going to try sleeping in here tonight. I think I might finally be ready, but if I can’t… well, I still have the bed in the living room.” 

 

“Right.” Az gave him a small smile before getting to his feet. “Good night, Pri.” 

 

“Night, Az,” Pri said as the younger boy slipped out into the hall and into the bathroom.

 

Short steps. Deep breaths. That was what it would take for Pri to heal. He was already on the road there, but that road would have bumps and challenges. Pri would make it though, knowing it was what Phil would want. He wasn’t alone either. He had his family and the Markovs, people who had become a second family in the short time he had known them. It would take time, but Pri knew now that eventually, everything would be alright.