He had grown so much. Every day saw new progress, even if it wasn’t completely obvious to Henryk. He was talking more coherently, rather than just pointing at pictures. He was more aware each day: his face gave more signs of life and less of hospitalization. Sometimes, Az was overjoyed with his brother’s progress: sometimes, he was sure Henryk would never walk again.
He liked it when Az and Pri could get him in the wheelchair and wheel him around the hospital. As he got better, he was even allowed to go out to the small local park on nice days. He had various specialists in and out to help him: and thankfully, the Markovs could afford the best in the business. Interns from the University poured in to watch sessions, some of them even working with Henryk for short periods of time (with his and his parents’ permission of course).
Today was a big step for Henryk. He was going to learn to eat independently again. He was getting stronger and stronger, but he wanted to live his life independently. There was so many different professionals working with him, Henryk couldn’t keep them all straight; neurologists to look at his brain scans, speech language pathologists to help him speak again, physical therapists to help him walk and move, and currently, an occupational therapist to help him do daily tasks he used to be able to do all on his own but now needed help with since the stroke made controlling the right side of his body near impossible, things that used to be easy like eating or putting on clothes in the morning. Very few things were easy now, but Henryk didn’t like being dependent on everyone else to help him now. He was ready to do things himself again.
Az and Pri were always there with him. Usually, one of his parents was in the area, but they were still struggling with the death of their oldest and seeing Henryk in such a state. Az watched the therapist explain what they would be doing with Henryk optimistically and calmly. Henryk seemed so excited to be doing something again, so he listened closely. They had been doing multiple exercises with his right arm and hand that made him feel ready to try eating again.
“Now, it might be challenging at first, but with practice, you’ll be eating by yourself again soon.” Az hoped so. Henryk hated to eat in public, hating the thought that everyone watched him being fed by his older brother.
But never had a fork looked so gargantuan. It had a wider handle than most forks Henryk was used to seeing, so that it would be easier to grasp and manipulate according to the therapist, but the task still seemed so daunting.
“First, you will get used to holding a fork steadily again…” And such began the timely process. Though it started out well enough, Az watched his brother’s face contort in frustration as he tried to hold it steadily enough to stab a piece of food. To see such a sight was humbling to Az, who didn’t realize how quickly things like the ability to eat could be taken away.
Towards the end of the session, Henryk’s face was full of frustration: to the point where the therapist’s kind and encouraging words were no longer breaking through to him. It was a pretty obvious time to stop with that training for the day and switch to something else. After a few more familiar exercises that Henryk had gotten good at, the therapist gave Henryk some exercises to practice through the week, making sure that Pri and Az were listening so that they could help him with them, and then left with a kind goodbye.
Henryk’s face hadn’t changed from the icy expression he had when he was holding the fork.
“You’re off to a good start, buddy,” Pri said, offering him a gentle smile. “It’s going to take some time, that’s all, but you’ll get it.”
Even Pri’s warm words didn’t break through to Henryk. He just gave Pri a look that told him exactly what he was thinking: yeah, right.
“Pri’s right,” Az said. “You made so much progress today.”
“Stop,” said Henryk, crossing his arms. The once chatty kid barely talked at all nowadays. Only when he felt like he absolutely had to. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see the faces of the two older boys that were always so full of pity and fear.
Az exchanged a sad look with Pri. Az felt so helpless. He couldn’t even get his brother to smile… If only Phil were here, he thought miserably. If Phil were here, he would know what to do to make Henryk feel better… Az wasn’t nearly as close with him as Phil was, despite their closeness in age. Now, without Phil there to be a bridge, Az felt helpless with how to help.
What would Phil do? He was asking himself that question all the time. If he could just be like Phil, then maybe Henryk would be happier, maybe then he would feel better, if Az could fill the role that Phil left… Phil always made Henryk smile. Even when nobody else could. Az could never do that.
Az just wanted to see him smile again, like he used to… Back when Phil was still around. When they were all close, when Henryk was always smiling, when Phil was always happy to babysit them.
Dammit…
Az was out of ideas. He just wanted Phil to be there to guide him…
He did know one thing that always seemed to work, though…
“It's nine o'clock on a Saturday...
The regular crowd shuffles in…” he started to sing Henryk’s favorite song. Oh, how he would giggle when he heard it with delight, the first time he was in the hospital.
Now, though, his face didn’t change. He cut Az off with a loud, “STOP!” Pri jumped a little, and Az felt his heart crash to his stomach as Henryk continued, “You’re… Not him. Stop.”
He glared over at Az, looking like there was more that he wanted to say to him, but not being able to articulate it.
“Mom,” he said finally. “Get Mom.”
Az’s eyes filled with tears. He sniffled, gave his brother an obedient nod, and ran out the door. Pri hesitated, glancing between the youngest Markov and the empty doorway. Both brothers' lives had been shattered by loss of Phil, and Pri knew they must be feeling so lost without him, but he also knew there was nothing he could do to comfort Henryk right now when all he wanted was Phil.
“I’ll come see you later, Henryk,” Pri said softly before heading down the hallway after Az.
“Your son wants you,” spat Az bitterly. “It’s his lunch time.”
“Sweetie, are you alright?” Lilith’s eyes became concerned as she reached out and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t keep him waiting,” said Az, ducking out of his mother’s grip and storming out of the building.
Pri wasn’t sure if Az wanted him around. They didn’t know each other well, and he could never replace Phil. He could never be the man Phil was, and it would be pointless to even try. But… he did know what it was like to face a loss like Az have and have to fill a completely new role he never had to before. Maybe… he could be something else for Az. He had to try to support him through this. He owed it to his Philander.
Pri exited the building out the same door Az had used and found him sitting outside the door on the stairs, sobbing into his knees, which were pulled up close to his face.
“Az?” Pri asked after a moment. “Can I sit?”
At his gentle voice, Az gave a weak nod into his knees as another sob escaped his lips. He grabbed his knees tighter. “What do you want from me?” What did anyone want from him?
“I don’t want anything from you.You have enough on your shoulders as it is. I just… I guess I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I… I know we haven’t talked a lot and if you would rather be alone, I can go back inside. But if not… I’m here for you.” Pri was done being selfish. No longer would he hide from the world, drowning in his own misery. Yes, he had lost the love of his life, the first: and probably last: person he had ever loved romantically, but Az had lost a brother. That pain was comparable to no other.
“He doesn’t want me,” Az said, with another sob into his hands. “He wants Phil. He would rather Phil be there and me be dead… How am I supposed to do anything for him!? He said it. I’m not Phil.” He squeezed tears out of his eyes. “Maybe I should just make it better and go back to the Capitol.”
Pri laid a hand on Az’s back and when the younger boy didn’t pull away, he kept it there, scooting closer to him. “Henryk needs you here. He needs all the encouragement he can get. And you’re right, you’re not Phil. Neither am I. No one can replace him. Phil was…” Pri swallowed hard, feeling a lump form in his throat and his eyes prickle with tears that he tried to blink back. “He was special. Trying to be him… that… that’s not going to work, because you’re not him. You’re Azriel. Henryk needs Phil, yes, but he also needs you.”
“I can’t… I don’t even know where to start.” He blinked a few more tears out of his eyes. “I… I’m not like Phil.”
Pri closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He related to Az on so many levels, but going back to his younger years… it hurt so badly. He avoided talking about those days at all costs. Phil hadn’t even known about those days until Calliope accidentally told him, not knowing that Phil had no idea. “I… I don’t often talk about this, but… I am the third child born of nine. I have one older sister, Harmonia, who… well, let’s just say she’s a lot like our mother and really doesn’t give a shit about the rest of us. I also had an older brother, Heimdall, two years older than myself. When I was 14, he took his own life after facing years of abuse from my mother and other people for being transgender. When he died… suddenly I was left being the oldest sibling who actually cared, with six younger siblings looking up to me for guidance. My sister Calliope was particularly close to Heimdall. She was only eight…” Tears poured from Pri’s eyes, but he didn’t bother to stop them. “She was convinced Heimdall wasn’t gone, that he was a guardian angel, always there with us, protecting us… it was her way of coping with him being gone. I… I tried to be Heimdall for them, but… it didn’t work. I wasn’t Heimdall, and I never would be. It was actually Calliope that told me she missed the old Pri, and that’s when I realized… I couldn’t be Heimdall. Ideally, my siblings needed him, but he was gone. I finally realized that by trying to be Heimdall, I wasn’t being myself. They needed Pri. Eventually… we all healed. We had a new normal. Henryk needs you, Az. He’s just hurting right now. You both are.”
“They’re such big shoes…” Az said quietly, leaning over and putting his head on Pri’s shoulder. “I feel so small. I’m just trying…”
“I know… they’re impossible shoes to fill. Most days I feel like half the man Phil was. Maybe as his boyfriend I saw him through rose-colored glasses, but… while no one is perfect, I never met anyone who comes as close to perfect as Phil did. If it were me who were dead, he wouldn’t have wasted away in his bedroom in his wallowing in self pity for weeks. He would have been there for Calliope and all my other siblings. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I couldn’t even write Henryk a damn letter because I was such a mess.” Pri left out a sob, his tears falling more quickly now. How hard it was to keep himself together nowadays. “I’m sorry, I’m being selfish, like always. I’m supposed to be comforting you, but look how that turned out. Phil’s definitely so much better at this…”
“It’s okay,” Az said quietly. “I understand how you feel. Sometimes, it just seems so hopeless. I’ve been looking to you for guidance on all of this. So don’t feel… Like you don’t have a place here. I need you to be here. I know that I’ve been kind of distant, but now, I think we just both need family.” He wrapped his arms around Pri’s arm and held it tightly. “He’s going to keep watching over us, doing what he can for us, but we have to fill in the rest.”
Pri sobbed again before wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He didn’t realize how badly he needed to hear those words until Az said them. It was true, he did feel out of place here. Not because the Markovs were unwelcoming, far from it. Lilith and Elmer were the most loving, accepting people he had ever met, which really was no surprise with the sons they had raised. “Thank you, Az… I needed that. I could never replace your brother, and I wouldn’t dare try. I could never fill his place in your hearts. I still want to be here for you, though. I owe Phil that much, to step in and be here since he can’t. You’re right, he’s still with us. That’s one thing my sister has taught me; as long as we remember our loved ones, they’ll never disappear, not really. We just have to try our best. That’s… that’s all we can do.” Pri sighed, knowing he really needed to follow his own advice. I’ll try my best, he promised Phil silently. I won’t fail your brothers.
Az nodded, sniffling and wiping at his tears. “I should go apologize to Hen and tell him that I’m going to keep being there for him.” He didn’t move to let go of Pri’s arm for a moment. “Thanks for coming here to find me, though. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“Of course,” Pri said, giving the younger boy a hug. “Although, I should be thanking you. If you hadn’t come to get me, I would still be staring at the walls feeling sorry for myself. You woke me up to reality, and made me realize that Phil wouldn’t want that for me. He’d want me here, helping his family get through this together, and helping myself, too, in the process, when I think about it. So thank you, Azriel.”
Az smiled at hearing his full name, and gave his arm one last squeeze.
He let go, stood up, and patted Pri’s shoulder one last time before he burst through the hospital doors. A new fire raged in him, one to make Phil proud by making things right, and stepping into his role as Henryk’s brother Azriel. He felt empowered knowing that there would be a support system behind him, to help him when he struggled. Pri was there to mentor him through the devastating loss, his parents were willing to listen and hold him in his worst moments, and Henryk was going to continue to do his best to fight the good fight.
That was what Phil would have wanted.
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