But no. She was going to go into the Arena, just as he had, and fight for herself. And he had no idea what Lux was planning for her. Malloy put his guitar gently on the ground and buried his face in his hands. What the hell could he even do?
“Todd?”
It sounded so foreign coming from that mouth.
“What do you want?” he asked, looking at the figure in the door.
“Can… I come in?”
“When have you ever asked permission before?” Malloy sighed and reached over, hugging his pillow.
“So… You ready for the big gig tomorrow?”
“Trap, I’m really not in the mood for whatever you’re trying to pull on me.” He wasn’t going to cry in front of him. “Can you just get to the punchline and save us both the trouble?”
Instead of his usual leaning against the wall, Trap sat on the hard floor, criss cross applesauce, looking up at Malloy on his bed with curious eyes that he couldn’t really read.
Is he sick?
“Are you, um… Are you okay?”
“What do you think?” Malloy took a shaking breath.
“...Right.”
Malloy peered out from the pillow at the boy, who was still looking up at him in that weird little curious way. What a fucking weirdo.
“What do you want Trap?” He just needed to be outright. Whatever he was going to steal, or whatever long-winded joke he was going to tell, or whatever intrusive questions he had for Malloy about his life back home, or bragging about some record he set back home… Malloy had heard it all. He just needed a damn moment.
“Want a drink?”
Malloy felt his face scrunch in confusion. “What?”
Trap held up a bottle to show him. “I dunno. You just seem like you could use a drink.”
“Where the hell did you get that?!” Malloy asked, in shock that he somehow managed to come across alcohol of all things.
“I made a… Deal with Lux. Hoping for some special occasion to crack one open, but I think you need it more.”
“Oh… Thanks.” He didn’t consider himself a drinker, but right now anything to take the edge off was welcome to him. He took the bottle from Trap, suddenly suspicious that it was a joke.
“Hey, um…” He glanced down at where his fellow survivor was still sitting awkwardly on the floor. “I thought I’d go ahead and crack one open for me too, if that’s okay.”
“They’re yours, you do what you want with it.” Malloy took a swig of the burning liquid. He’d forgotten that warm feeling in his throat.
“I mean, here? Is that okay?”
“You’re such a fucking weirdo,” Malloy said, this time out loud. “...but if you really want to stay, I won’t kick you out.” Trap was still looking at him with this weird puppy expression. Malloy reached over and awkwardly patted the foot of his bed. “You can… Sit here if you want.”
“Oh… Okay.” Trap got up and did as he was told.
“So what made you think I’m so in need of a drink?” Todd asked, as both of them took a swig.
“I don’t know…” Trap said awkwardly. “I mean, you’ve been dragged through the wringer. And I don’t know how to make people feel better, but alcohol seems to have a good track record.”
Malloy couldn’t help but give a small smile at that. “Yeah, I guess it does.” They had an awkward silence as they both drank, neither of them knowing what to say. “I… Thanks for this. Sometimes I feel like Montessori is just trying to put on a show for me out of pity. And Wolf, well, sorry is practically every other word from his mouth.” He never thought he’d be saying this, but… “So thanks. Somehow, this makes me feel better.”
“You might just be tipsy.”
“How much of a lightweight do you think I am?” he quirked an eyebrow at Trap, who gave a small smile and shrugged.
“...Seriously, though. You’re the first person who hasn’t walked in here like she’s already dead. Maybe it’s because you can’t feel pity in your… Weird, feral, Trap heart. I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong: this is the weirdest interaction I’ve had in a really long time: but it was kind of you to do this. It is a friendly gesture.”
“Oh.” he scratched the back of his neck. “Um, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but... I don’t know, I know you don’t like me, so I didn’t want to make our relationship even worse considering we’re going to be out there performing together tomorrow. Wolf told me that this has always been your dream. I don’t want to do anything to make it worse.”
Malloy frowned a little. “They already destroyed it.” he sighed and took a long sip.
“She seems like a really strong girl. Volunteering takes guts, you know.”
“Yeah,” he smiled a little bit. “She’s so strong and brave.” his eyes filled with tears.
“Hey, I-I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“It’s okay,” Malloy shrugged him off and blinked the tears away. “I just…” his voice broke and he couldn’t speak anymore.
“So, what’s your plan for the big reveal?”
“Wh-What?”
“You know, when you take her to the apartment Wolf’s been on about and tell her who you really are? Surely you’re going to throw in the razzle dazzle for her, right?”
“I’m not going to tell her.” He took another drink. There was no way she would trust him.
“Come on man, you’re not serious, are you? She’s gotta know. You’ve been talking about her from the moment you woke up. You can’t just let her slip away like that.”
“What good is it going to do? She’ll never believe me. Like I can even get her to trust me enough to go with me to a place that’s boarded and shuddered.”
He was quiet. “Listen man, I know that I’m definitely not the person to take any sort of romantic advice from whatsoever-”
“Agreed.”
“Okay well you didn’t have to say that to my face like that.” He pouted, and Malloy smiled a little bit. He was still Trap alright. “Anyways, what I’m saying is… Well, you’ll regret it forever if you don’t at least try. She should know how you’ve been thinking of ‘er all the time, and writing all those little songs about her, and all that junk that I will never understand…” he took another long drink. “You never know what will happen in that Arena. But at least you’ll know that you did everything you could to give her one last special night before it happens.”
Malloy couldn’t hold back his tears. Tears of fear, and worry about her… Dammit…
“Oh God, I’ve made it worse.”
Malloy shook his head, a small sob escaping his lips. “I’m just…” he sobbed again. “I’m just scared.”
He felt a soft touch on his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to make you think like that. You know what’s best. Honestly, you and Montessori are my first friends, so I’m sure I’m not a very good one.”
“You’ll get used to it.” He squeezed more tears out of his eyes and sniffled as his breathing calmed slightly. “I just don’t think I can do it, that’s all. Too many things can go wrong.”
“That’s true. But that’s always true in life. Hell, this whole drinks thing could have gone terribly wrong too. But I guess you have to ask yourself if the good outcome outweighs the bad ones.”
Malloy found it in him to smile. “You mean making me feel better was worth the risk of enduring a beating with my pillow?”
Trap laughed a little bit. “Yeah, I guess so. I was thinking more along the lines of smothering though.”
“Geez, you’re such a sick bastard sometimes.”
“Born and raised.” He smiled, but took a long drink.
“Well, I’m… Glad that you decided to do it anyways.” Maybe that was the alcohol talking. The two boys exchanged sad and awkward smiles as they drank.
“While I’m here, I came up with this great way to get Tessa. And all we need is four jars of peanut butter.”
“Oh, so now that we’re drinking together, I’m suddenly your accomplice.”
“Is that not the next step towards friendship?”
Malloy looked at him, trying to gauge if he was actually serious. He started laughing, and Malloy awkwardly laughed along with him. What a fucking nut.
Malloy was actually finding himself disappointed when his bottle was empty: maybe for the warm feeling of the drink, maybe for the feeling of company that wasn’t stepping on eggshells around him.
“Well, I guess that means I should be going.”
“I guess so. Thanks again. And… Good night, Trap.”
“Good night to you too.” He got up and walked out of the room, before pausing in the doorway. “And, hey Todd.”
“Hm?”
“I… Really hope she’s going to be okay. You know, you deserve a little happiness, for all the shit you put up with.”
More tears sprouted in his eyes.
“Thanks. I… I hope so too.”
~.~.
When it set in her eyes, he knew there was nothing anyone could have done to stop her. There was something that changed in her face: he saw it once before, at the reaping: and he knew exactly what she was going to do.
That didn’t stop the exclamation from coming out of his mouth, as if that would stop her. “No!”
A great boom sounded, and the confetti cannon blew, causing Remus to freeze and Camellia’s eyes burned with fire as she charged forward at the Career. Malloy watched the determination quickly turn to worry as she realized she was not proficient enough with the warhammer to hold back a Career. Malloy could see where this was going, but something in him hoped that just this one time, justice would prevail from the fight.
In front of him was the picture of every nightmare he’d ever had. The woman he loved so much, her body glistening with blood that poured out of deep-set wounds from another, and there was nothing that Malloy could have done to stop it from happening to her. How many times had he dreamt he would watch her die?! He never thought he would actually have to live through it.
The only positive for his going into the Arena was that he wouldn’t have to watch her suffer the same. The only thing he wanted when he died was to not have to be tortured by watching the girls he loved so much in so much pain.
And yet, here he was.
The audience could see what Camellia couldn’t: Ceru standing over Remus, axe raised, quickly sending it down on him with a loud crack. Malloy winced, but he couldn’t look away.
The look in Camellia’s eyes was one he’d never seen before. She had broken.
“Go,” she choked out, and then she said it louder (as if it mattered), “Go!”
Ceru’s face was full of pain, but he turned around and went. One by one, the tributes cleared out of the room, until only Camellia remained. She clawed at the ground, trying to get her body off of the floor, but Malloy saw in her face that she was in pain. Seeing her in pain made his heart hurt. And knowing that Jo was out there, not knowing anything they’d been through in the past days… He promised to take care of her, but what could he actually do!?
Camellia crashed down to the ground again, tears streaking out of her eyes as she lay resigned on the floor.
In his dreams, he clawed at the screens, screaming, but no sound escaped his lips.
Here, he was frozen in horror. He watched the fear cross her face. He couldn’t move. He watched her gasp and struggle for air, he didn’t move.
Suddenly, something changed in her face. One more change, as she pulled out the pill she had been keeping in her pocket. Malloy couldn’t even find it in himself to yell and tell her no. He had no idea what that was: Lux was stuck in the Complex, and Wolf was extremely busy. He had no idea what was in that pill.
Camellia gave the world one last defiant once-over before putting the pill in her mouth and swallowing it dry. Within moments, she was screaming, grabbing her chest and crying in pain. Pain that Malloy could feel in his own heart. She cried, screamed, agonized, until she went completely still. A cannon boomed, the bodies were retrieved. He couldn’t move.
“Todd…?” It was the pity in his usually callous, cold voice that finally broke Malloy.
Numitor fumbled with the remote, hurriedly muting and then turning off the television, sending the room into a deep silence, only broken by his quiet cries.
She was dead. She was really dead. No… This couldn’t be… His breath picked up, his eyes became wet… He buried his fingernails in his stomach, trying to will it to not be real… Please be a dream…
“Hey, don’t-”
“SHUT UP!”
Numitor sunk back, away from him. Usually he was gentle, but dammit, he was so damn sick of being gentle all the time. He had just lost the one person he loved so much, after all of this. It was damn sick. It was fucking cruel!
He took handfuls of the couch in his fists. “Get out. Both of you. Get OUT!” It was a common area, but he couldn’t move. Trap and Numitor both made haste to get out of there, as was intelligent of them. He wasn’t about to tell anyone twice.
She was gone. After everything, she was gone. He had just gotten her back. He really thought she was going to walk out of the Arena. He should have known better. She wasn’t like them. She wasn’t a killer.
He couldn’t control the howling sob that escaped him, his fingers burying deeper into his sides. He wasn’t able to save her. He wasn’t able to protect her. And if he couldn’t, then what was the damn point?! The Capitol had taken everything from him. He hated the bastards. He hated the whole lot of them. He hated that he was one of them. The green tinge of his skin disgusted him. He dragged his fingers across it, trying to make it go away, again and again. He was part of what killed her. He was part of what took her away from him… He couldn’t stop blaming himself.
The crescent-shaped welts on his stomach, the red lines that zipped across, complaining with pain, they weren’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough. None of it would bring her back. None of it would eliminate his guilt that somehow, he was the one that was still on this planet, and she wasn’t. He would have taken her place in a heartbeat. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything to help her. She had blindly trusted him, and now she’d paid the price for it.
His eyes suddenly filled with water, more and more water that just kept on pouring out, he couldn’t control it.
Joelle…
Oh God, Jo. She didn’t know. She was out there, all by herself, watching it alone, surrounded by people that will not understand the pain she had to endure time and time again. How badly he wanted to be there with her. Hell, how badly he wanted to have her. He promised Camellia he would protect her. But what the hell could he do? He had no power to do it. He didn’t even know if Wolf would allow it to happen. He was already barred from stepping foot in District Seven by Wolf. He had to have known that he couldn’t control himself around those strong, brilliant women he’d spent the happiest days of his life with. Wolf knew he couldn’t stand to see them in pain. Wolf knew he would go to them. It was for the best.
But Jo was alone now, and worse, she was in danger. She was in danger because of Camellia, because of any suspicions from Wolf, or even Out of Spite… She was in danger from herself.
His heart was washed over with a new hurt. He couldn’t stand that thought. Dammit… He wanted to run, run from here, run all the way to District Seven, five hundred miles or more, he would do fucking anything to be in her arms.
But he couldn’t.
He was just as powerless to help Jo as he was to help Camellia… And she was dead now…
Malloy curled up into a fetal position on the couch, holding his knees to his chest, trying to stop his entire body from quivering.
How am I going to do any of this alone? He didn’t know. He didn’t know how. He was just going to fail Camellia in death just as he did in life. He couldn’t do what he promised.
He closed his eyes, trying to control the tears that fell out of them, when he felt a warm weight spread across his body.
“We’re going to get her.” Trap gave his sweaty hair a little ruffle.
Montessori put a glass of water on the table, leaning down to give Malloy a soft kiss on the cheek. “I’m so sorry,” she said quietly.
“Wolf’s on his way,” Numitor said in a hushed voice, rubbing his leg through the blanket.
Malloy couldn’t answer any of them and kept his eyes closed as more water drenched his face.
“We’re going back to our posts,” Montessori said quietly, and he heard the sound of small footsteps leaving the room again.
“Get some sleep, buddy. We’ll handle the rest.” He heard Trap’s footsteps leave the area, and he was once again alone.
Was he ever really alone? For better or worse, Malloy was stuck here with these people.
He put the soft blanket to his face, sitting up to take a slow sip of water. He may have lost his Flower…
But there were people here that had his back, and by extension, Jo’s.
We will keep her safe… he thought to himself. It was the only thing keeping him going now.
I won’t break my promise.
That didn’t stop the exclamation from coming out of his mouth, as if that would stop her. “No!”
A great boom sounded, and the confetti cannon blew, causing Remus to freeze and Camellia’s eyes burned with fire as she charged forward at the Career. Malloy watched the determination quickly turn to worry as she realized she was not proficient enough with the warhammer to hold back a Career. Malloy could see where this was going, but something in him hoped that just this one time, justice would prevail from the fight.
In front of him was the picture of every nightmare he’d ever had. The woman he loved so much, her body glistening with blood that poured out of deep-set wounds from another, and there was nothing that Malloy could have done to stop it from happening to her. How many times had he dreamt he would watch her die?! He never thought he would actually have to live through it.
The only positive for his going into the Arena was that he wouldn’t have to watch her suffer the same. The only thing he wanted when he died was to not have to be tortured by watching the girls he loved so much in so much pain.
And yet, here he was.
The audience could see what Camellia couldn’t: Ceru standing over Remus, axe raised, quickly sending it down on him with a loud crack. Malloy winced, but he couldn’t look away.
The look in Camellia’s eyes was one he’d never seen before. She had broken.
“Go,” she choked out, and then she said it louder (as if it mattered), “Go!”
Ceru’s face was full of pain, but he turned around and went. One by one, the tributes cleared out of the room, until only Camellia remained. She clawed at the ground, trying to get her body off of the floor, but Malloy saw in her face that she was in pain. Seeing her in pain made his heart hurt. And knowing that Jo was out there, not knowing anything they’d been through in the past days… He promised to take care of her, but what could he actually do!?
Camellia crashed down to the ground again, tears streaking out of her eyes as she lay resigned on the floor.
In his dreams, he clawed at the screens, screaming, but no sound escaped his lips.
Here, he was frozen in horror. He watched the fear cross her face. He couldn’t move. He watched her gasp and struggle for air, he didn’t move.
Suddenly, something changed in her face. One more change, as she pulled out the pill she had been keeping in her pocket. Malloy couldn’t even find it in himself to yell and tell her no. He had no idea what that was: Lux was stuck in the Complex, and Wolf was extremely busy. He had no idea what was in that pill.
Camellia gave the world one last defiant once-over before putting the pill in her mouth and swallowing it dry. Within moments, she was screaming, grabbing her chest and crying in pain. Pain that Malloy could feel in his own heart. She cried, screamed, agonized, until she went completely still. A cannon boomed, the bodies were retrieved. He couldn’t move.
“Todd…?” It was the pity in his usually callous, cold voice that finally broke Malloy.
Numitor fumbled with the remote, hurriedly muting and then turning off the television, sending the room into a deep silence, only broken by his quiet cries.
She was dead. She was really dead. No… This couldn’t be… His breath picked up, his eyes became wet… He buried his fingernails in his stomach, trying to will it to not be real… Please be a dream…
“Hey, don’t-”
“SHUT UP!”
Numitor sunk back, away from him. Usually he was gentle, but dammit, he was so damn sick of being gentle all the time. He had just lost the one person he loved so much, after all of this. It was damn sick. It was fucking cruel!
He took handfuls of the couch in his fists. “Get out. Both of you. Get OUT!” It was a common area, but he couldn’t move. Trap and Numitor both made haste to get out of there, as was intelligent of them. He wasn’t about to tell anyone twice.
She was gone. After everything, she was gone. He had just gotten her back. He really thought she was going to walk out of the Arena. He should have known better. She wasn’t like them. She wasn’t a killer.
He couldn’t control the howling sob that escaped him, his fingers burying deeper into his sides. He wasn’t able to save her. He wasn’t able to protect her. And if he couldn’t, then what was the damn point?! The Capitol had taken everything from him. He hated the bastards. He hated the whole lot of them. He hated that he was one of them. The green tinge of his skin disgusted him. He dragged his fingers across it, trying to make it go away, again and again. He was part of what killed her. He was part of what took her away from him… He couldn’t stop blaming himself.
The crescent-shaped welts on his stomach, the red lines that zipped across, complaining with pain, they weren’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough. None of it would bring her back. None of it would eliminate his guilt that somehow, he was the one that was still on this planet, and she wasn’t. He would have taken her place in a heartbeat. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything to help her. She had blindly trusted him, and now she’d paid the price for it.
His eyes suddenly filled with water, more and more water that just kept on pouring out, he couldn’t control it.
Joelle…
Oh God, Jo. She didn’t know. She was out there, all by herself, watching it alone, surrounded by people that will not understand the pain she had to endure time and time again. How badly he wanted to be there with her. Hell, how badly he wanted to have her. He promised Camellia he would protect her. But what the hell could he do? He had no power to do it. He didn’t even know if Wolf would allow it to happen. He was already barred from stepping foot in District Seven by Wolf. He had to have known that he couldn’t control himself around those strong, brilliant women he’d spent the happiest days of his life with. Wolf knew he couldn’t stand to see them in pain. Wolf knew he would go to them. It was for the best.
But Jo was alone now, and worse, she was in danger. She was in danger because of Camellia, because of any suspicions from Wolf, or even Out of Spite… She was in danger from herself.
His heart was washed over with a new hurt. He couldn’t stand that thought. Dammit… He wanted to run, run from here, run all the way to District Seven, five hundred miles or more, he would do fucking anything to be in her arms.
But he couldn’t.
He was just as powerless to help Jo as he was to help Camellia… And she was dead now…
Malloy curled up into a fetal position on the couch, holding his knees to his chest, trying to stop his entire body from quivering.
How am I going to do any of this alone? He didn’t know. He didn’t know how. He was just going to fail Camellia in death just as he did in life. He couldn’t do what he promised.
He closed his eyes, trying to control the tears that fell out of them, when he felt a warm weight spread across his body.
“We’re going to get her.” Trap gave his sweaty hair a little ruffle.
Montessori put a glass of water on the table, leaning down to give Malloy a soft kiss on the cheek. “I’m so sorry,” she said quietly.
“Wolf’s on his way,” Numitor said in a hushed voice, rubbing his leg through the blanket.
Malloy couldn’t answer any of them and kept his eyes closed as more water drenched his face.
“We’re going back to our posts,” Montessori said quietly, and he heard the sound of small footsteps leaving the room again.
“Get some sleep, buddy. We’ll handle the rest.” He heard Trap’s footsteps leave the area, and he was once again alone.
Was he ever really alone? For better or worse, Malloy was stuck here with these people.
He put the soft blanket to his face, sitting up to take a slow sip of water. He may have lost his Flower…
But there were people here that had his back, and by extension, Jo’s.
We will keep her safe… he thought to himself. It was the only thing keeping him going now.
I won’t break my promise.
No comments:
Post a Comment