Deleted Scenes: It Was Worth It.

(This little pocket of angst was brought to you by Mae. Thanks Mae!)

-Henley Dorset, 15, District 3-

She’s so tired. It’s getting harder to keep her eyes open. She has to stay awake, though.

    why does she have to stay awake?
    She remembers, though. Coda told her to stay awake. He seemed upset, why did he seem upset? Was he crying? No, Coda doesn’t cry.
    Coda shouldn’t be crying. He shouldn’t have to be crying.
She needs to tell him it’s going to be okay.
what’s going to be okay?
She doesn’t know what’s wrong. Is somebody dying? Is she dying?

No. She feels okay. She’s just tired. Coda looked tired. How long has it been since he slept?
what day is it?
She feels her eyelids start to slip. No. She has to stay awake. She can’t remember, but she thinks Coda would be sad if she fell asleep.
why would Coda be sad if she fell asleep? Coda shouldn’t be sad.
She knows she’s not thinking straight. There’s something wrong with her. She should tell Coda.
where did Coda go?
He’s not there. She can’t see him and she can’t hear him and she’s too tired to move.
did she let him die? No. Please let him be okay. She just wants him to be okay. She wishes he would say something, she can’t do it if he’s dead, she can’t keep her eyes open if there’s nobody left to see come back.
Coda can’t be dead.
Coda can’t be dead.
Coda can’t be dead, please.
Please let Coda be okay.
She doesn’t even know who she’s asking. Lux can’t hear her, she’s too tired to say things.
She’s so tired.
Sorry, Coda.

    She doesn’t know how long it’s been when she opens her eyes. She thinks it might be dark, but she thinks maybe it’s always dark. She’s not just tired this time. This time it hurts. Everything hurts and she just wants it to stop. That’s all she wants.
    no it’s not.
    she wants Coda.
    where’s Coda?
    She can’t see him. She needs him to be okay. He’s her friend. She wants her friend to be okay. She just wishes everything could be okay.
    what if he’s not okay?
    what if he’s hurt?
    she can’t help him. She hurts too much to move. Someone needs to help him.
    That’s when she sees the camera, up in the corner. Somebody is always watching. Somebody has to be watching. She just needs to get closer. She’s not sure she can feel her arms, but she tries to put them under her anyway, tries to drag herself out from under the machine. She can’t help the cry that escapes her as pain shoots up and down her body. She falls back to the floor, her back arching as she floods with pain, lets out another sound; she’s not sure whether she screams or groans. Everything sounds fuzzy, like she might pass out.
    she can’t pass out. Coda needs her. She knows she’s being too loud, but Coda’s not here. If someone finds her, at least they won’t find him too. Maybe she can ask them to help him. Someone needs to help Coda.
    Propping herself up, slumping against the machine, she rolls her head to the side to face the camera. This has to be close enough, the rest of her hurts too much to move.
    please let him be watching.
    please be watching.
    She’s surprised at how hard it is to form words, surprised at how weak and strained her voice sounds when she forces it out.
    “Anakyn?” she half-whispers,
    please be watching.
    “I need you to… he needs…” she knows her words are slurring, but she has to tell him. She has to keep talking, “I need… please… C-Coda? Is he… ‘kay? You… you need to hel-... help Coda.” Talking is too much work, she can’t sit up anymore. She wants to lie down. She wants to go to sleep.
    she can’t go to sleep.
    Coda needs her.
    She feels herself slump back to the floor. Her head hits something, but she doesn’t think it hurts. She’s not sure. She doesn’t think she can tell the difference between pain and numbness anymore. She wants to sleep.
    not yet.
    Coda needs her.
    She fixes her gaze on the camera again, hopes he can hear her words are broken and slurred.
    “An’kyn… please.”

    She knows she’s waking up, but she doesn’t remember falling asleep.
    where is she?
    she doesn’t know where she is.
    she’s scared.
    she’s alone.
    where’s Coda?

    who’s Coda?
    she’s so tired.
    As she blinks slowly, trying to stay awake, she sees something on the floor. Two things. She doesn’t know what the machine is, so she reaches for the note.
    Anakyn sends me notes.
    Anakyn.
    the Games.
    Coda.
    where’s Coda?
    Coda needs her.
    It’s not Anakyn’s writing, though. She likes Anakyn’s writing.
    she wishes she could write pretty like Anakyn.
    She needs to focus. She’s so tired.
Spin with your life. Save the boy.
    She can’t spin. She doesn’t have a token. She doesn’t understand.
    who else sends her notes?
    Coda can’t send her notes.
    who can send her notes?
    Tartan.
    She asked Anakyn for help, but maybe he didn’t want to. Maybe he couldn’t. He should be focusing on Jace instead. Jace was nice to her.
    “Is Jace okay?” It takes her a few seconds to realize that she asked it out loud. She knows she’s not making sense. She’s so tired.
    she can sleep once she helps Coda.
    She tries to lift her head to get a better look at the machine. It’s another wheel. She thinks it’s new.
    can she even move her arm enough to spin it?
    she doesn’t have a token.
    She looks again. Tartan should know that she doesn’t have a token. The words blur in front of her, but she tries to make sense of them anyway.
    Kiss of Death Wheel.
    Spin with your life.
    She doesn’t need a token.
    She almost doesn’t think about it. She knows what the trade is, and she almost doesn’t even think before she says yes. She knows she’s supposed to think first.
    she’s supposed to want to live, right?
    why would she want to live?
    the only person she ever wants to see again is Coda.
    she can’t live for Coda.
    if she lives, Coda has to die.
    She wishes she weren’t crying. She wishes she were brave like Coda.
    Coda doesn’t need her.
    he’ll be okay.
    he’s brave.
    she can let go.

    she can stop hurting.

They’ve never really talked about their pasts. He’s never wanted to, and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t need to know what he came from, what he’s gone through. She knows he’s her friend, and that’s enough. She wishes now, though, that she knew. That she could be sure there’s something- someone- for him to go home to. She needs to know that there’s someone who loves him.
    she doesn’t want him to have to brave. Not for her, not for anyone.
    he shouldn’t have to be angry anymore. He was never really angry though, she saw that all along. He just hurts too much to be sad, so he’s angry instead.
    she hurts, too.
    maybe she doesn’t want to go home, not really.
    she’s watched people die, she can’t just go home.
    she would have to watch him die.
    no.
    not Coda.
    Coda can’t die.
    she can’t even imagine him dying. He has too much left to do.
    she’s okay, though.
    she doesn’t mind dying.
    she doesn’t have anything she loves enough to go back to.
    she hopes she can watch him, after she’s gone.
    if he’s okay, she’ll know it was worth it.
    it will always have been worth it.
    She turns her head again, tries to make her eyes focus on the camera. She’s so tired.
    “Hey Anakyn?” she can only whisper. She doesn’t know if they can hear her. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” it comes out as a sob. She wishes she weren’t crying. She wishes she weren’t scared.
    “An’kyn, please take... care of him. I know he’s... not yours, but please. I need… I need someone to promise... me that. I need him to know… he doesn’t know… that people… care about him. Please promise me. I don’t want… to die… for n-nothing…” she has no way of knowing whether he makes the promise. She wishes she could stop crying. She doesn’t know why she’s so afraid of dying. Not if it saves Coda. She is, though, and she knows why.
    “Tart’n?” she’s barely even making sound anymore. She’s so tired. “Will it hurt?” she wishes she didn’t care. She hates that she cares. She couldn’t care about how much pain she’s in, she should be willing to do anything to save him. What kind of person is she, if she cares how much it hurts? She shouldn’t care, even if they set her on fire and her skin burns off slowly. She’s so selfish. What’s a little pain, if he’s okay? She doesn’t mind if anyone’s watching her on the TV. She doesn’t think anyone cares enough for it to hurt when they watch. Not like some of the other tributes. Not like Camellia’s family- she’s been observant enough to know that they’ve been through too much already.
    Coda cares about her.
    she doesn’t want Coda to be sad.
    she doesn’t want Coda to cry.
    she doesn’t want to hurt him.
    “Please, Tartan.” she hates that she’s pleading with him, with this asshole (she likes that she’s picking up Coda’s words; she likes that he’s a part of her) who’s never even bothered to care about Coda. “Please don’t... make him watch. Give him... that much.” She waits a few moments, hopes they can hear her, tries to manage a grin as she forces out four more quiet words.
    “Lux?”
    “Spin.”
    “That.”
    “Wheel.”

    She can’t tell whether it hurts, not at first. She just feels heavy. Everything feels heavy, like she’s sinking into the floor. It doesn’t hurt for almost a minute, not until the weight presses down on her chest. She can’t breathe. She can’t breathe. Everything hurts. She thinks she’s on fire. She tries not to cry. She has to be brave for Coda.
    where’s Coda?
    she can’t breathe.
    she wants Coda.
    she’s so scared.
    it hurts so bad.
    it hurts.
    she needs Coda.
    why did he leave her?
    why did he leave her to hurt like this alone?
    she doesn’t want to die alone.
    she doesn’t want to die alone.
    she wishes Coda were there.
    she’s not okay.
    she needs her friend.
    it hurts so much.
    she’s so cold.
    she can’t breathe.
    She doesn’t know how long it is before she hears him yell her name.
    Coda.
    She can’t open her eyes. She can’t see him. She can’t tell if he’s okay. He doesn’t sound okay. She thinks he’s crying. She feels the side of his face warm against her chest. She feels his hand against her forehead, pushing her hair away. She can’t open her eyes. She can’t breathe. She can’t tell him that it’s okay.
    she can’t say goodbye.
    she wants to say goodbye.
    she wants him to know that she cares about him.
    she wants him to know that she loves him.
    she wants him to know that she’s always wanted a little brother.
   
    I’m sorry, Coda.

    please forgive me.

    it was worth it.