Deleted Scenes: Just One Chance

Just One Chance

“Ceru, my mom!”

Owen...

“Go…. go!”

Camellia….

“Just make it as far as you can, we won’t think any less of you when you’re gone..”

His own father…

Ceru leaned heavily against the sink, giving a quiet sob of despair as each word pressed into his head like a weight. He took a deep breath then, biting down on his lip and trying to stop his crying, before he finally settled to staring blankly into the mirror at his own tear-stained face. He had felt like everything had fallen into place when he won. He felt like he was lucky. He felt like he was given a chance to start again.

But as he stared into his reflection, he felt like he was looking at a stranger. He felt different… but not in the way he wanted. He had done a lot of thinking lately, as he was falling asleep, and when he woke up from the terrible dreams he had been having. Ceru didn’t feel lucky anymore. Nothing felt right.. It all felt wrong. Like he wasn’t supposed to be here. Why should he be? When he didn’t really have anyone waiting for him.

Owen.. he should’ve been with his mom. He should’ve been the one to help her not him.

Camellia should’ve won for her brother, for her parents. She should’ve gone home, not him.

Ceru was going to go home and he wasn’t even sure if anything would change. He would have to look at Camellia’s family… and he knew he didn’t kill her, but he was the reason she was dead. Camellia, the one who had helped him learn to dance because he couldn’t. The one he looked up to and admired so much because she spoke out and she wasn’t afraid of what others thought of her. Camellia who had treated her like a person. She was dead because of him. He didn’t even get to thank her properly… he left her... What kind of a person was he?

The Gallens were going to hate him… he hated him...

Ceru swallowed hard, his grip tightening on the edge of the sink as he took a deep breath. Helen had taught him that shortly after he had gotten back and he started to process everything. It worked when she was there... but it wasn’t really working now.. He couldn’t think about the trees and the flowers and home… He thought about Camellia.. He wished he could see her one more time.. He wished he never left her.

Then there was Owen and Lonan. His friends… his friends he met in a deathmatch but bonded so quickly with. Ceru always wanted to know what it was like to have brothers.. But he never wanted to know what it was like to have to lose them to the Games. And now he felt like he did. He gave Owen a fair shot.. He did… but then he killed him. He killed Owen… his friend…

Why did he do that? Owen had his mother! Ceru’s family had already written him off. Owen was supposed to go home to her and he ripped him away from her. He was a monster.. He killed him… he shouldn’t be here..

Mrs O’Connor had already gone through so much. And now she lost her son too because of him. She was going to hate him...

His knees suddenly felt like jello, his head spinning like a top as he sank to the ground, running a hand through his hair and taking another deep breath, the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

Ceru’s throat closed up as he tried to take another deep breath, he didn’t realize how quick and shallow they had become as he thought over each and every face that had gone into that arena with him who was now dead. They all gave him a chance… a chance to live. But for what? What if no one listened to him… what if they still wouldn’t listen. He could try and try and try but no one had to listen to him… they probably didn’t want to. He wasn’t that compelling was he? He didn’t have lovable family members the Capitol would root for too, or someone who was once in the Games before him. It was just him. It was always him.

Him trying to take on a world that was deaf to his own needs and his own opinions. He didn’t understand why he was allowed to be here. All he had ever wanted was to win so that he could show everyone that he could, that he was still entitled to live in a world that wasn’t made for him. That every little deaf girl and boy did belong and deserved a fighting chance. But now that he had actually done it.. He was afraid.. He was riddled with guilt, he felt like he had no place in winning. God he was so selfish… was he selfish?

Since Owen wasn’t alive.. The answer was yes. He missed Owen… so much. He would have to face his mother… Camellia’s family.

Ceru quickly hugged his knees to his chest, his shoulders scrunching up as he squeezed his eyes shut, the tears finally slipping from his eyes as he tried to calm his own trembling form. He didn’t expect this. He thought that after he won he’d feel good all the time. He’d feel happy.. But maybe it didn’t work like that..

Would he ever be able to move on from what he did to Owen and Camellia..? He didn’t know.. And that’s what scared him… He wanted so much to make a difference, he never wanted anyone to feel the way he did. But how could he know if he would?

Slowly, Ceru brought a hand up to brush the tears from his eyes and face, sniffling quietly as he settled against the wall and finally took a slow but shaky breath. The taste of copper flooded his mouth and a dull pain spread across his lip. He quickly stopped biting down on it and brought a hand up to his lip, pulling it away and staring at the red that stained his fingers. He grimaced then went back to hugging his knees close to his chest.

Ceru didn’t understand why he was alive.. He didn’t want to think that it was just because he got lucky. That it was because he was selfish and killed his own friend who just wanted to get home to his mom because.. because he wanted so desperately to be heard. He wanted to believe that he won for something. And for a while after he won… he did think that… part of him still did. He won for a reason.. He just didn’t know what that reason was anymore..

But maybe if he started talking.. once he got out there and started to advocate.. he would understand… he would make a difference. He prayed that he would make a difference…

He refused to believe that 23 had died for nothing. He wouldn’t allow it.